Today I picked up the boys from early start school. There was a mix up and only the transportation people knew I was coming and they teachers were clueless. So I showed ID and asked them to look in the records or to call the Mama or the Daddy and they would tell them who I am. It was the first time picking them up, I get the problems. No big deal
But this one teacher pissed me off. Actually, I was more than just a little butt hurt over her comment. "She's picking them up? She's just the babysitter." And I corrected her "The Nanny" so she answers "whatever".
Bitch, I am way more than JUST a babysitter.
A babysitter is a 15 year old that you underpay to watch your kids so you can go out to dinner. A day care worker is someone who watches as many children as they can to make as much money as they can. A Nanny is someone who commits to loving and caring for the child/children in their charge.
I was asked to Nanny Cade and Jack before their parents started trying to have children. They wanted to make sure their kid/kids were going to be in a loving environment w/ someone who would love them as if they were their own.
I couldn't love these boys any more if they were mine. I have dashed to the MaMa's side to help her when it got tough. I have spent entire days just holding one w/ a 103 fever. I have been pooped on, puked on, peed on and bled on. I hurt more when they fall when than they do. I would rip my own heart out to save theirs.
BITCH, I AM NOT JUST A BABYSITTER!
I may be tattooed and pierced and wear a "I run w/ Vampires" Tshirt, but I am Cade and Jack's Nanny, and I can kick your ass. Next time, I will come at you sideways and put you in your place.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Not Crabby
Shocking as it may be....I'm not crabby today. It feels kinda good. Boys are being great, taking a nap. I got to see Rob and J last night. I'm going to #concon. Things in general have been good. The meds are working well and I'm pretty stable. I still want to hybernate and sleep a lot, but it's not as bad as it was.
People have still been giving me shit about not going out and being all old but basically I've just let it go and told them to go fuck themselves. I like my quiet, anonymous life. I like coming home and vegging out on my shows or on twitter or youtube.
I spent too many years chasing highs and trying to live 8 lives at once, I did that for 20 years and I was never truly happy living that way. I don't feel the need to go out til all hours every night anymore or pretend to be something I'm not. I like being a homebody. And I am tired of apologizing for it.
One thing I really miss of those days though is the motivation and creativity I had. I know it was artificial and cost a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I miss it. I wish I could just sit and do my art w/out the drugs. I miss being that creative and loving it. And to be honest, I miss the energy. But I don't miss not sleeping and all the other bullshit that went along w/ it.
Right now I'm trying to get back to art for Christmas. I have a few projects, and ALL the supplies.....I just don't have the desire to sit and do it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I just can't make myself do it because w/out the drugs, I don't enjoy it. And to me, that is very sad. It's feels like I've lost a part of myself, the artist in me. I keep thinking that it will come back, but it's been so many years.
So for now, I'm just working on writing and hoping that by being productive that I'll find some kind of motivation to try to be creative other ways too.
So that's where I am.
People have still been giving me shit about not going out and being all old but basically I've just let it go and told them to go fuck themselves. I like my quiet, anonymous life. I like coming home and vegging out on my shows or on twitter or youtube.
I spent too many years chasing highs and trying to live 8 lives at once, I did that for 20 years and I was never truly happy living that way. I don't feel the need to go out til all hours every night anymore or pretend to be something I'm not. I like being a homebody. And I am tired of apologizing for it.
One thing I really miss of those days though is the motivation and creativity I had. I know it was artificial and cost a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I miss it. I wish I could just sit and do my art w/out the drugs. I miss being that creative and loving it. And to be honest, I miss the energy. But I don't miss not sleeping and all the other bullshit that went along w/ it.
Right now I'm trying to get back to art for Christmas. I have a few projects, and ALL the supplies.....I just don't have the desire to sit and do it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I just can't make myself do it because w/out the drugs, I don't enjoy it. And to me, that is very sad. It's feels like I've lost a part of myself, the artist in me. I keep thinking that it will come back, but it's been so many years.
So for now, I'm just working on writing and hoping that by being productive that I'll find some kind of motivation to try to be creative other ways too.
So that's where I am.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tired of explaining myself
I'm slightly cranky today. I am getting so tired of explain myself to people. Right now I am battle a pretty rough bout of depression. It's taken a ton of therapy, a few more meds than I am happy taking and a lot of me time. But with all that, I am finally coming back to me.
I am sorry if my solitude is being perceived as antisocial behavior. It's not. It's me, being me, not apologizing to be me.
I am enjoying my solitude. I like to share a little bit here and there but I'm doing quite well on me own for how. SO STOP GETTING ALL BUTT HURT when I say I wasn't to be left alone or don't want to be around people.It just means I need some me time. So back off a bit.
Thank you.
I am sorry if my solitude is being perceived as antisocial behavior. It's not. It's me, being me, not apologizing to be me.
I am enjoying my solitude. I like to share a little bit here and there but I'm doing quite well on me own for how. SO STOP GETTING ALL BUTT HURT when I say I wasn't to be left alone or don't want to be around people.It just means I need some me time. So back off a bit.
Thank you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Leverage Quote Quiz
Hey there Leverage fans!
Here is the basic run down of how the LQQ is going to work....
I will be asking 40 or so questions about our beloved show. First person to post the correct answer gets 5 points, second will get 3 and third will get 1.(there will be a special point counter). At the end of the round, the person w/ the highest score, wins a shirt. In the case of a tie, we will have a 4 part question (all 4 parts listed below) and the first of the tied players to answer all 4 parts correctly wins.
There will be 3 kinds of questions asked:
1. Finish the quote.
2. Who said the quote to whom.
3. What episode is the quote from.
The questions will be chosen at random but expect about 8-10 of each type. I will announce which episodes the quotes will be from on Wednesdays.
And of course, there are some rules.......
I am NOT part of Leverage, I just love the show. I own nothing. I don't pretend to own anything. This is just for fun and to kill time til #concon.
YOU MUST ADD @leverage_quiz to play the game.
There is no abusive behavior to other players
The Tshirt will be a hand made custom shirt.
Duh, Time. Might help if you knew what time it started.
I'm very sorry to the Eastern Time people. I have a job and I am unable to hold the quiz any earlier than 7:30pm Pacific time. If that changes, I will be happy to move the time up to help accommodate eastern people. I am sorry about the lateness.
I think that's about it for tonight. My brain is a little too fried to say anything else productive. Hope to see you on Friday!
Anyone wishing to volunteer may contact me at @alikitty619 or @leverage_quiz on twitter. Any questions? See above.
Here is the basic run down of how the LQQ is going to work....
I will be asking 40 or so questions about our beloved show. First person to post the correct answer gets 5 points, second will get 3 and third will get 1.(there will be a special point counter). At the end of the round, the person w/ the highest score, wins a shirt. In the case of a tie, we will have a 4 part question (all 4 parts listed below) and the first of the tied players to answer all 4 parts correctly wins.
There will be 3 kinds of questions asked:
1. Finish the quote.
2. Who said the quote to whom.
3. What episode is the quote from.
The questions will be chosen at random but expect about 8-10 of each type. I will announce which episodes the quotes will be from on Wednesdays.
And of course, there are some rules.......
I am NOT part of Leverage, I just love the show. I own nothing. I don't pretend to own anything. This is just for fun and to kill time til #concon.
YOU MUST ADD @leverage_quiz to play the game.
There is no abusive behavior to other players
The Tshirt will be a hand made custom shirt.
Duh, Time. Might help if you knew what time it started.
I'm very sorry to the Eastern Time people. I have a job and I am unable to hold the quiz any earlier than 7:30pm Pacific time. If that changes, I will be happy to move the time up to help accommodate eastern people. I am sorry about the lateness.
I think that's about it for tonight. My brain is a little too fried to say anything else productive. Hope to see you on Friday!
Anyone wishing to volunteer may contact me at @alikitty619 or @leverage_quiz on twitter. Any questions? See above.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Beautiful Wisdom. Life lessons by Regina Brett.
It has been a rough couple of days. I've felt angry, hurt, suicidal, homocidal, and shattered. It feels like I was broken into hundreds of pieces and only a few are put back in the right place. Now I'm just tired. Physically and emotionally drained. I have nothing left to give tonight. So here is something my sister sent me. It's awesome.
Life Lessons
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Life Lessons
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sad today
I'm sad today. I know it's just the depression. I'm waiting for the meds to take full effect and I gotta tell ya, I am not a patient person. I'm an addict. I want to feel better and I want it right fucking NOW!
It's been a bad day for impulsive thoughts too. I haven't done anything stupid but it's hard to hold back. The urge is there and it doesn't help that I hate to see my arms. I see all these big veins and I just want to cut them out. I hate them. I want to feel that pain. I just want to feel.
It's not so bad when I'm w/ the boys, which is why I can sit here and write about it. They are the joy in my life. But once they are gone for the day, it's back to my head.
And I can't cry.....I want to, but I can't.
So that's it. I'm not hurting myself. I'm reaching out. I'm asking for help. I'm trying to be patient while the meds do their thing. I'm here.....and today, I'm sad.
It's been a bad day for impulsive thoughts too. I haven't done anything stupid but it's hard to hold back. The urge is there and it doesn't help that I hate to see my arms. I see all these big veins and I just want to cut them out. I hate them. I want to feel that pain. I just want to feel.
It's not so bad when I'm w/ the boys, which is why I can sit here and write about it. They are the joy in my life. But once they are gone for the day, it's back to my head.
And I can't cry.....I want to, but I can't.
So that's it. I'm not hurting myself. I'm reaching out. I'm asking for help. I'm trying to be patient while the meds do their thing. I'm here.....and today, I'm sad.
Monday, August 31, 2009
icky mood
Wasn't the best day. So many little things added up and became huge. It took everything I had not to punch, kick, hit or cut something or someone (me) today. I had to make a promise just to get someone off the phone w/ me. I don't do it. I think about it. I want to do it. I know it won't make it go away, but for some reason, I am comforted and want to feel that comfort of my own pain. WHATEVER
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Been WAY too long
Ugly mood. Ugly color.
I'm in a really low space right now. Trying really hard to pull myself out of it, but at the same time, not trying at all. I know my meds need adjusting. I am going to get them done, but I don't want to do it before my trip to Seattle. I didn't think traveling while weening off one med and trying out another was such a good idea.
I'm not sad. I'm just blah. I have no desire or motive to do anything. I just want to be invisible and isolate. I want to sleep and I don't want to dream. I just want to go away. I just want to be alone.
There aren't any bad things going on, no bad anniversaries, not fighting w/ anyone. I'm just down. I just am in that place where I'm tired of......sigh......everything. I know a lot of this has to do w/ being sick. Karen (my therapist) noticed that whenever I am getting over being sick, I am always really really low. I haven't been able to see my therapist in a while. I thought it wasn't a big deal but I'm feeling it now. I probably won't be able to see her for at least another month or so. But even talking to her isn't enough.
There is also the PMS issue. It always makes things worse. I'm hoping that a med change will help with that too. A week of feeling like this on top of the other stuff is way too much for one person to take.
I wish I could self medicate. A handful of something....anything. My clean time is worth too much and too many people would be disappointed. Food doesn't cut it anymore. Going on a binge doesn't help. I wish it did. I'm so worried about people worrying about me. I don't so much care about what happens to me, but I care hurting them. Some days, that's the only thing I care about.........Not hurting them.
On the positive side (the only one I can find at the moment), I don't feel it as much when I'm w/ my boys. They give me so much joy. But what happens when that joy isn't enough?
I'm in a really low space right now. Trying really hard to pull myself out of it, but at the same time, not trying at all. I know my meds need adjusting. I am going to get them done, but I don't want to do it before my trip to Seattle. I didn't think traveling while weening off one med and trying out another was such a good idea.
I'm not sad. I'm just blah. I have no desire or motive to do anything. I just want to be invisible and isolate. I want to sleep and I don't want to dream. I just want to go away. I just want to be alone.
There aren't any bad things going on, no bad anniversaries, not fighting w/ anyone. I'm just down. I just am in that place where I'm tired of......sigh......everything. I know a lot of this has to do w/ being sick. Karen (my therapist) noticed that whenever I am getting over being sick, I am always really really low. I haven't been able to see my therapist in a while. I thought it wasn't a big deal but I'm feeling it now. I probably won't be able to see her for at least another month or so. But even talking to her isn't enough.
There is also the PMS issue. It always makes things worse. I'm hoping that a med change will help with that too. A week of feeling like this on top of the other stuff is way too much for one person to take.
I wish I could self medicate. A handful of something....anything. My clean time is worth too much and too many people would be disappointed. Food doesn't cut it anymore. Going on a binge doesn't help. I wish it did. I'm so worried about people worrying about me. I don't so much care about what happens to me, but I care hurting them. Some days, that's the only thing I care about.........Not hurting them.
On the positive side (the only one I can find at the moment), I don't feel it as much when I'm w/ my boys. They give me so much joy. But what happens when that joy isn't enough?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
fourth of july
Picked red for my color since it's july 4th. Totally not in the mood for blogging or anything for that matter. Just vegging. I haven't been in the mood to communicate w/ anyone. I'm not really too down, just on the downslide. I don't know if it's being sick or if I need a med change. For now, I'm OK. Not doing anything stupid to hurt myself. So I guess I'm OK>
Sunday, June 28, 2009
3:23am
It's late. I woke up with bad dreams. Not horrible, but not pleasant. I've spent the last few day isolating. On antibiotics and they are affecting the anti depressants and making me feel antisocial.
I just feel so blah. I'm not in a bad space. I don't have overly obsessive thoughts about doing damage to me, just the usual ones. I'm not mad or sad. I'm just here. I'm just in the mood to ignore everyone and just veg out until I get over this.
I keep trying to figure out what's wrong or more to the point, what's NOT right and I can't really find anything. I guess it's just blah. And that's going to have to be OK, because that all I have right now.
I just feel so blah. I'm not in a bad space. I don't have overly obsessive thoughts about doing damage to me, just the usual ones. I'm not mad or sad. I'm just here. I'm just in the mood to ignore everyone and just veg out until I get over this.
I keep trying to figure out what's wrong or more to the point, what's NOT right and I can't really find anything. I guess it's just blah. And that's going to have to be OK, because that all I have right now.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
daddy's day
Happy Father's Day
I have the most amazing daddy. I love that is he is my biggest fan. No matter any of the shit I pulled, he's there for me. He's the one who always takes my side. He holds grudges against anyone who hurts me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. And he drives me completely nuts with his over worrying ways. But he is my daddy and the most amazing man I have ever known. I am truly blessed.
I have the most amazing daddy. I love that is he is my biggest fan. No matter any of the shit I pulled, he's there for me. He's the one who always takes my side. He holds grudges against anyone who hurts me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. And he drives me completely nuts with his over worrying ways. But he is my daddy and the most amazing man I have ever known. I am truly blessed.
Friday, June 19, 2009
birthday blog
So today was good. I still have that whole thing going on in my head but I had a good day. I had the boys today. They took a long nap. Took them home early. Had dinner out with a good friend and now, I am sitting around waiting for my tattoo artist to draw up my twilight tattoo. I could be here all night, but I am getting it before I go home tonight.
Thinking I might need to have my meds checked. I know all this shit in my head has always been there but it seems to have gotten worse lately, or maybe it's just that I am openly expressing it now. Who knows. I am worried that the wrong person will read this and totally freak out.
I do know that since I started blogging and writing, I have been doing better. Not acting on anything and I don't seem to be obsessing as much. Which is good. But seeing my thoughts down on 'paper' makes the more real and makes me feel like a monster.
Anyway, I am going to let it go for tonight and have a good night, no matter what.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
day before
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 39. I don't like birthday's much. It's not the getting older, I'm okay with that. It's more questioning the need to celebrate. It doesn't make sense to me either, yet. I always think of birthdays (everyone else's that is) as a special day because it was the day that God gave us that person. It's important to celebrate that special day. Important to make sure that person knows just how blessed the world is because they are in it. But I don't see it that way for me. I don't see the where the blessing is.
At the same time though. I do want to know that people remember, that I matter. I'm just afraid that the people who say I matter, don't really believe it. Because if they don't really care, then I'm not worth caring about, and I don't matter. As much as I personally believe that's the case, I don't want confirmation. It would hurt too much. Or maybe just enough........
At the same time though. I do want to know that people remember, that I matter. I'm just afraid that the people who say I matter, don't really believe it. Because if they don't really care, then I'm not worth caring about, and I don't matter. As much as I personally believe that's the case, I don't want confirmation. It would hurt too much. Or maybe just enough........
Sunday, June 14, 2009
a ps of sorts
So I wasn't really finished earlier. I was hurting and didn't feel up to blogging properly. But now the TV is off, my folks are elsewhere not botherin me and so now is my time to really dig in and blog.
My negative stuff is coming through a lot. The urge to hurt myself is strong along w/ the desire to use. I try to just push it away, but I really wanted to get this step work done before my birthday. I was stuck on the bio because I didn't want to talk about the rape. It makes me feel so sick inside, physically sick. TThe psychology sick is always there but worse after I've been in my head access those memories.
Talking about the rape hurts so much. But I do have to say it wasn't as bad as the last time I talked about it. I'm guess that I am taking away some of the power of it. I just hate to feel this way and now I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes and see the places I've been.
I know that dealing with this will probably make it much much easier to live with, but I just don't want to deal with it. I can't decide if I liked it better when I hadn't told anyone. I would just pretend that it didn't happen. But now it's there, in my brain and I can't stop thinking about it.
I think about how much I just wanted to die. I tried to OD every chance I got for months. But nothing would seal that pain away. Working on my steps though is putting it in the foreground and making it not hurt so much. But when it comes down to it, I just don't want to remember, think about or accept it.
I always wonder, why me? I figured God had given me enough challenges. What would my life be like today if it had NOT happened. Would I be different? Would I be dead? Would I be married with my own children? Would I have found the people in my life that I love to death? Would I be whole person? Would I be "normal"? Could I live like everyone else? Would I still be so broken and such damaged goods?
Who knows. Because we can't make the past go away and even if we did, all the things in life would be changed. Everything --Every little thing--makes us who we are. Good or bad. Without that bad, I may not have been led to all that's good in my life.
But sometimes, I do wonder and daydream about what I would be like if the rape never happened.
My negative stuff is coming through a lot. The urge to hurt myself is strong along w/ the desire to use. I try to just push it away, but I really wanted to get this step work done before my birthday. I was stuck on the bio because I didn't want to talk about the rape. It makes me feel so sick inside, physically sick. TThe psychology sick is always there but worse after I've been in my head access those memories.
Talking about the rape hurts so much. But I do have to say it wasn't as bad as the last time I talked about it. I'm guess that I am taking away some of the power of it. I just hate to feel this way and now I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes and see the places I've been.
I know that dealing with this will probably make it much much easier to live with, but I just don't want to deal with it. I can't decide if I liked it better when I hadn't told anyone. I would just pretend that it didn't happen. But now it's there, in my brain and I can't stop thinking about it.
I think about how much I just wanted to die. I tried to OD every chance I got for months. But nothing would seal that pain away. Working on my steps though is putting it in the foreground and making it not hurt so much. But when it comes down to it, I just don't want to remember, think about or accept it.
I always wonder, why me? I figured God had given me enough challenges. What would my life be like today if it had NOT happened. Would I be different? Would I be dead? Would I be married with my own children? Would I have found the people in my life that I love to death? Would I be whole person? Would I be "normal"? Could I live like everyone else? Would I still be so broken and such damaged goods?
Who knows. Because we can't make the past go away and even if we did, all the things in life would be changed. Everything --Every little thing--makes us who we are. Good or bad. Without that bad, I may not have been led to all that's good in my life.
But sometimes, I do wonder and daydream about what I would be like if the rape never happened.
2 days in a row
Didn't feel great today. Got the cramps and headache and tiredness. But I did get my step work done. I didn't want to finish it. Well, to be truthful. I just didn't want to talk about "it". I know rape is not a bad word but I hate to say it because it makes me feel dirty again. And even thought I was in a safe place, but saying the word Rape and describing what happend that night. It brought me down. After I got past that part the rest was easy to put down. But the thoughts are still there and they are very scary and painful.
So that is all for tonight. I did what I had to do and I did it well. Now I'm going to bed
So that is all for tonight. I did what I had to do and I did it well. Now I'm going to bed
Friday, June 12, 2009
again, too long between blogs
I keep saying I'll blog and then I don't get around to it. I think a lot of it is avoiding putting what I'm feeling down on 'paper'. Seeing what I'm thinking is far worse than just thinking it. It's like a bad secret about yourself, if you don't actually say the words outloud, then they aren't true but once they have been said, you can't take them back. Same holds true to my blogging.
I had a pretty decent week. Took a couple cakes. Sometimes I think that they don't matter. I know they do, but not so much to me. I think they matter to other people more than they do to me. And I think there is something wrong with me to feel that way.
I've been really edgy and crabby this evening. Just little things pissing me off and me over reacting to them. I haven't thrown a fit or been a bitch, but there is this button inside me and it got pushed and then it just got stuck. I know part of it is just hormones. Part of it is just my fucked up brain patterns. Part of it is unknown.
I think it has a lot to do with my step work. I'm still working on my mini-auto and still having trouble writing about that one thing. I don't even like saying the word. Whenever I get into step work, I get into a bad place. Taking cakes during this time doesn't help.
Trying not to put too much down about the negative stuff. I'm so worried about worrying my friends and family. I have all the self injuring thoughts, they have been quite a comfort this week. I don't want to act on them but just thinking about it calms me down. I know that is sick, but it's true.
Anyway, wasn't really in the mood to get into all this before I go to bed. I will finish the thoughts and this blog tomorrow or even another day. But not now. I think I'm going to veg out on twitter and youtube and just let myself be distracted.
Good night folks.
I had a pretty decent week. Took a couple cakes. Sometimes I think that they don't matter. I know they do, but not so much to me. I think they matter to other people more than they do to me. And I think there is something wrong with me to feel that way.
I've been really edgy and crabby this evening. Just little things pissing me off and me over reacting to them. I haven't thrown a fit or been a bitch, but there is this button inside me and it got pushed and then it just got stuck. I know part of it is just hormones. Part of it is just my fucked up brain patterns. Part of it is unknown.
I think it has a lot to do with my step work. I'm still working on my mini-auto and still having trouble writing about that one thing. I don't even like saying the word. Whenever I get into step work, I get into a bad place. Taking cakes during this time doesn't help.
Trying not to put too much down about the negative stuff. I'm so worried about worrying my friends and family. I have all the self injuring thoughts, they have been quite a comfort this week. I don't want to act on them but just thinking about it calms me down. I know that is sick, but it's true.
Anyway, wasn't really in the mood to get into all this before I go to bed. I will finish the thoughts and this blog tomorrow or even another day. But not now. I think I'm going to veg out on twitter and youtube and just let myself be distracted.
Good night folks.
Tshirts I want
Color Code-
Blue-Twilight
Green-General
Red-Leverage
Purple-HP
I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. (back) It's a TWILIGHT thing...you wouldn't get it.
Only a vampire can love you forever!
Peace, Love, Twilight
Easily distracted by shiny objects (in shiny writing)
Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.
That's 20 lbs of crazy in a 5 pound bag. (with a pic of Parker)
Age of the geek baby; we run the world (with a pic of Hardison)
Let's go break the law one more time....do you have Leverage?
That makes me cry inside--in my special angry place.
Black King = White Knight (maybe chess pieces)
Let's go steal us a __________ (fill in the blank)
Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.
We pick up, where the law leaves off. (back) Got Leverage
What smells like crank and screams like a girl? (pic of eliot and meth head) That's right, you!
A little more than a team. (full cast pic)
Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer? (pic eliot as chef)
The sass, it doesn't help.
Is it me or is he getting creepier? (pic of parker)
Can you please not play with the little naked man? (pic of David)
Funny thing about con-men, they never bluff.
Grifter, Hitter, Hacker, Thief and the man with the plan.
Blue-Twilight
Green-General
Red-Leverage
Purple-HP
I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. (back) It's a TWILIGHT thing...you wouldn't get it.
Only a vampire can love you forever!
Peace, Love, Twilight
Easily distracted by shiny objects (in shiny writing)
Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.
That's 20 lbs of crazy in a 5 pound bag. (with a pic of Parker)
Age of the geek baby; we run the world (with a pic of Hardison)
Let's go break the law one more time....do you have Leverage?
That makes me cry inside--in my special angry place.
Black King = White Knight (maybe chess pieces)
Let's go steal us a __________ (fill in the blank)
Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.
We pick up, where the law leaves off. (back) Got Leverage
What smells like crank and screams like a girl? (pic of eliot and meth head) That's right, you!
A little more than a team. (full cast pic)
Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer? (pic eliot as chef)
The sass, it doesn't help.
Is it me or is he getting creepier? (pic of parker)
Can you please not play with the little naked man? (pic of David)
Funny thing about con-men, they never bluff.
Grifter, Hitter, Hacker, Thief and the man with the plan.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
been too long
It has been too long since I blogged. Last week was my down time after the wedding. I had a great time, the wedding was beautiful, but I am glad its over. Everyone was really sweet and said that I looked beautiful. I dont quite believe it though. In my eyes, I was just dressed up but there was no way I could be described as beautiful. I guess that is going to be one of my issues I talk to my therapist about this week.
I basically spent the week hybernating. I was tired and just wanted to catch up on sleep. Thursday I woke up with an ear infection that is just today starting to feel better. At least I can chew now.
So that's it. Nothing exciting. Nothing interesting. Just me.
I basically spent the week hybernating. I was tired and just wanted to catch up on sleep. Thursday I woke up with an ear infection that is just today starting to feel better. At least I can chew now.
So that's it. Nothing exciting. Nothing interesting. Just me.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Cliff Notes Version of the wedding in pics
Cutting the cake
First dance
Husband and Wife
Me, Twittering during the reception
Me with the famous Rainbow Skull socks! They were a hit!
Just me after the wedding
Tim and Lindsey exchanging vows
Lindsey's Dad walking her down the aisleThe pics are out of order but you get the general idea. It was an amazing day. More to come.
Friday, May 29, 2009
busy busy
So the hard week is here. Sunday was graduation and dinner. Yesterday was rehearsal and dinner. Tonight was Bachlorette party and dinner. (ALL ITALIAN) Tomorrow is flowers and Sunday is the big day.
I'm feeling a little nervous about my part in the wedding. I don't want to fuck it up. I want it to be perfect for Linds. I have all the usual concerns--tripping and falling, dress ripping, farting during the ceremony, and especially giggling. I want this to be her perfect day. But clumsiness aside, I also have serious worries.
I'm still thinking it should be someone else up there with her. I'm not pretty enough. I know it's not about that, Lindsey wants me there to stand up with her because i'm her best friend. But I want this to be great and I won't look great.
I'm also worried about the getting ready. Linds is paying for someone to do my hair in some cool up-do. I don't have a lot of hair but they said they can make it look awesome. The part I'm feeling bad about is the makeup. I haven't worn it in years. I don't like it. Everyone is getting makeup done and I'm scared they are going to over do it for mine and I won't look like me. I don't mind using a little cover up for a zit but I want to look like me, my me. I won't argue about it. And I won't cause a stink but I'm hoping the bridal party will understand.
Anyway, it's a lot to do and get done. I'm more than a little stressed over some details. I will know a few people there, but I will be seated with the bridal party at the dinner (hopefully not Italian).
I really want/need a little one on one time with D. Nothing major is going on, but I need a little male time. But lately, that hasn't been happening. I just want a little time to talk through what's in my head. I need a little reassurance. I just hope I don't get disappointed. I'm trying not to get my expectations up so that I won't get hurt. But that's hard because I really need this time.
So that's it for now. Probably more of the same coming. Feeling pretty fucking insecure right now.
I'm feeling a little nervous about my part in the wedding. I don't want to fuck it up. I want it to be perfect for Linds. I have all the usual concerns--tripping and falling, dress ripping, farting during the ceremony, and especially giggling. I want this to be her perfect day. But clumsiness aside, I also have serious worries.
I'm still thinking it should be someone else up there with her. I'm not pretty enough. I know it's not about that, Lindsey wants me there to stand up with her because i'm her best friend. But I want this to be great and I won't look great.
I'm also worried about the getting ready. Linds is paying for someone to do my hair in some cool up-do. I don't have a lot of hair but they said they can make it look awesome. The part I'm feeling bad about is the makeup. I haven't worn it in years. I don't like it. Everyone is getting makeup done and I'm scared they are going to over do it for mine and I won't look like me. I don't mind using a little cover up for a zit but I want to look like me, my me. I won't argue about it. And I won't cause a stink but I'm hoping the bridal party will understand.
Anyway, it's a lot to do and get done. I'm more than a little stressed over some details. I will know a few people there, but I will be seated with the bridal party at the dinner (hopefully not Italian).
I really want/need a little one on one time with D. Nothing major is going on, but I need a little male time. But lately, that hasn't been happening. I just want a little time to talk through what's in my head. I need a little reassurance. I just hope I don't get disappointed. I'm trying not to get my expectations up so that I won't get hurt. But that's hard because I really need this time.
So that's it for now. Probably more of the same coming. Feeling pretty fucking insecure right now.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My NA birthday
I know I don't really make a big deal about my NA birthday, but some of my people forgot. My sponsor, god love her, called me first thing in the morning and sang happy birthday and my Linds called me. Everyone else forgot.
I didn't think it bothered me, and I said I didn't care. But I was wrong. I do care and it kinda hurt my feelings. I can't take a cake this week at the zoo because of wedding stuff, but I will be taking one on the 4th.
That's it.
I didn't think it bothered me, and I said I didn't care. But I was wrong. I do care and it kinda hurt my feelings. I can't take a cake this week at the zoo because of wedding stuff, but I will be taking one on the 4th.
That's it.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Just another day
So today I decided to take a me day. I just didnt feel like going down to Crown Point for the Chili cook off. I don't enjoy myself down there. So, I didn't go. People are upset and disappointed with me. I'm just tired of doing things because other people want me to. So I didn't go. I went out to lunch with a good friend and I actually got to sleep in because I let Honey in my room so he didn't yowl. I'm thinking that last sentence should have been the other way around but fuck it.
I'm really missing my boys this weekend. I do have to say that my shoulder is feeling much better, just achy instead of shooting pain. I know it will hurt again tomorrow but at least i've given it 3 days of rest and that's the best i can do for now.
Went to Lindsey's graduation on Sunday. It was madness but great. I'm so proud of her. This week is going to be hectic with the wedding but I'm very happy for Linds. She deserves it all.
I don't really have much to say today. I'm quite happy just hanging out and vegging on Twitter and watching Bones. I can't be bothered to put on the commercial and cut free DVDs. Maybe I'll blog more later. Maybe not. Today is about doing what I want.
I'm really missing my boys this weekend. I do have to say that my shoulder is feeling much better, just achy instead of shooting pain. I know it will hurt again tomorrow but at least i've given it 3 days of rest and that's the best i can do for now.
Went to Lindsey's graduation on Sunday. It was madness but great. I'm so proud of her. This week is going to be hectic with the wedding but I'm very happy for Linds. She deserves it all.
I don't really have much to say today. I'm quite happy just hanging out and vegging on Twitter and watching Bones. I can't be bothered to put on the commercial and cut free DVDs. Maybe I'll blog more later. Maybe not. Today is about doing what I want.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
keeping up
Haven't been blogging lately. I really need to keep up with this, I think it helps me process the shit in my brain. Feeling a little destructive today. Nothing too serious, but the ideas keep popping in. It's been a busy week and hard.
My shoulder kept getting re injured because I kept picking up the boys and re hurting it over and over. But we had a great week with the babies. We bought a small pool for them and they LOVE it.
They just climbed right in and splashed around until they were soaked and shivering, and even then, they screamed because they didn't want to get out. On the second day, daddy didn't think to shut the door when he went out to check on the temp of the water. BIG MISTAKE. Jack and Cade slipped out after him and before he could move, Jack climbed into the pool fully clothed. As my dad tried to grab Jack, Cade came around the other side and climbed in, fully clothed. Too funny. Wednesday went fine, no really big incidents. We skipped on Thursday. And on Friday, I bought a cheap sprinkler and they ran through it and stood under it and splashed in it and I got just as wet as they did.
It's funny because they don't like showers or water poured over their heads but they stood there and let it rain down on them. If I knew how to insert pictures, I would.
Thursday I had a play date with my sponsor and her daughter and her baby and toddler. We went to the mall and had a wonderful time. We walked around, played in the play area
and then went for pretzels. It was so much fun. Cade and Jack were wiped out and slept really good that day.
I like having the ability take to them out to do things. I still really need a second person if I want to let them run. But I can take them out with the stroller and get them out of the house. And when we can't get out, we have a pool and a play area and grass area. So there are a lot more options for me to get their energy out. Makes the day go faster.
The downside was my shoulder hurting. Today it has been better because i have been babying it and hopefully 3 days without them will help it heal. I'll miss them, but I need this time.
I may have a short week with the boys this week (I get Monday off paid) but I have so much to do in the next week that I don't quite now how I'm going to get it done.
Sunday I'm going to my friend's graduation at 1 and then out to a party after. Monday, I'm NOT going to Crown Point. But I am going to go out to lunch with my friend and then kicking it at home. Tuesday is relatively easy. Just the boys and some errands. Wednesday is an early day because I have a shrink appt and the boys and then another check up on my shoulder. Thursday I have the boys and then I have to go to the rehearsal at 5:30 in Coronado and then a dinner after that. Friday is errands and the boys and then a 'girls night out' kind of bachelorlette party. Saturday is doing the flowers and last minute stuff and Sunday is the big day.
I just seems like soooooo much and I feel so worried that I'm going to have a meltdown but it's not my day for that. I need to be the strong one and keep everyone else from having the meltdown. And I'm worried about how I'll look in my dress.....
Today kinda sucked because I was trying to get some hang out time with D but it didn't work out. I was a little more irritated than I should have been. I like my time with D, and sometimes I need it. He doesn't quite get my urges for destruction. What he really doesn't get that being around him when I'm feeling these thoughts helps me. That time with him helps me not feel so destructive and helps me curb the thoughts. He doesn't actually do anything specific. But he has almost always, since I met him, been a calming influence. So I wasn't very happy with how that failed to work out.
But home was pretty good today. I got the printer hooked up w/out using a CD (since the CD drives don't work) and I was able to hook up a wireless router and now I have full high speed Internet on my laptop! And I did it all by myself! YEAH ME!!!!
This is so random. That's what I get for putting off blogging when I should be working on this regularly. I like how I feel when I work on this often. Guess I need to work a little more.
My shoulder kept getting re injured because I kept picking up the boys and re hurting it over and over. But we had a great week with the babies. We bought a small pool for them and they LOVE it.
They just climbed right in and splashed around until they were soaked and shivering, and even then, they screamed because they didn't want to get out. On the second day, daddy didn't think to shut the door when he went out to check on the temp of the water. BIG MISTAKE. Jack and Cade slipped out after him and before he could move, Jack climbed into the pool fully clothed. As my dad tried to grab Jack, Cade came around the other side and climbed in, fully clothed. Too funny. Wednesday went fine, no really big incidents. We skipped on Thursday. And on Friday, I bought a cheap sprinkler and they ran through it and stood under it and splashed in it and I got just as wet as they did.
It's funny because they don't like showers or water poured over their heads but they stood there and let it rain down on them. If I knew how to insert pictures, I would.Thursday I had a play date with my sponsor and her daughter and her baby and toddler. We went to the mall and had a wonderful time. We walked around, played in the play area
and then went for pretzels. It was so much fun. Cade and Jack were wiped out and slept really good that day.I like having the ability take to them out to do things. I still really need a second person if I want to let them run. But I can take them out with the stroller and get them out of the house. And when we can't get out, we have a pool and a play area and grass area. So there are a lot more options for me to get their energy out. Makes the day go faster.
The downside was my shoulder hurting. Today it has been better because i have been babying it and hopefully 3 days without them will help it heal. I'll miss them, but I need this time.
I may have a short week with the boys this week (I get Monday off paid) but I have so much to do in the next week that I don't quite now how I'm going to get it done.
Sunday I'm going to my friend's graduation at 1 and then out to a party after. Monday, I'm NOT going to Crown Point. But I am going to go out to lunch with my friend and then kicking it at home. Tuesday is relatively easy. Just the boys and some errands. Wednesday is an early day because I have a shrink appt and the boys and then another check up on my shoulder. Thursday I have the boys and then I have to go to the rehearsal at 5:30 in Coronado and then a dinner after that. Friday is errands and the boys and then a 'girls night out' kind of bachelorlette party. Saturday is doing the flowers and last minute stuff and Sunday is the big day.
I just seems like soooooo much and I feel so worried that I'm going to have a meltdown but it's not my day for that. I need to be the strong one and keep everyone else from having the meltdown. And I'm worried about how I'll look in my dress.....
Today kinda sucked because I was trying to get some hang out time with D but it didn't work out. I was a little more irritated than I should have been. I like my time with D, and sometimes I need it. He doesn't quite get my urges for destruction. What he really doesn't get that being around him when I'm feeling these thoughts helps me. That time with him helps me not feel so destructive and helps me curb the thoughts. He doesn't actually do anything specific. But he has almost always, since I met him, been a calming influence. So I wasn't very happy with how that failed to work out.
But home was pretty good today. I got the printer hooked up w/out using a CD (since the CD drives don't work) and I was able to hook up a wireless router and now I have full high speed Internet on my laptop! And I did it all by myself! YEAH ME!!!!
This is so random. That's what I get for putting off blogging when I should be working on this regularly. I like how I feel when I work on this often. Guess I need to work a little more.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
25 Things I'm Grateful For
I am grateful for:
1. Being alive
2. My parents for their support
3. My awesome big sister who is one of my best friends
4. My most amazing nephew for just being himself
5. My brother and no longer hating him
6. My best friends, who are truly my family
7. My god-children, the only kids I'll ever have
8. A house that is a home.
9. My cats, for loving unconditionally
10. My recovery, for helping me heal
11. Having a job that fills me with joy
12. Having a job at all in this economy
13. My car, to get me around
14. Social Networking for giving me so many friends in the virtual world.
15. Technology- without which I would be lost
16. The ocean and the way the sun sets over it
17. The view from Mt. Helix
18. Shaved ice, because I love to eat ice but it's bad for your teeth to crunch it.
19. The rush of joy a laughing baby gives me
20. Harry Potter, the books not the movies
21. Twilight, ditto
22. Being able to travel
23. Truly knowing and feeling unconditional love
24. Being able to crank the stereo in my car and sing at the top of my lungs
25. My past, for making me who I am today (the good and the bad)
To be continued......
1. Being alive
2. My parents for their support
3. My awesome big sister who is one of my best friends
4. My most amazing nephew for just being himself
5. My brother and no longer hating him
6. My best friends, who are truly my family
7. My god-children, the only kids I'll ever have
8. A house that is a home.
9. My cats, for loving unconditionally
10. My recovery, for helping me heal
11. Having a job that fills me with joy
12. Having a job at all in this economy
13. My car, to get me around
14. Social Networking for giving me so many friends in the virtual world.
15. Technology- without which I would be lost
16. The ocean and the way the sun sets over it
17. The view from Mt. Helix
18. Shaved ice, because I love to eat ice but it's bad for your teeth to crunch it.
19. The rush of joy a laughing baby gives me
20. Harry Potter, the books not the movies
21. Twilight, ditto
22. Being able to travel
23. Truly knowing and feeling unconditional love
24. Being able to crank the stereo in my car and sing at the top of my lungs
25. My past, for making me who I am today (the good and the bad)
To be continued......
I hate making up titles for my posts
Woke up today not hurting!!! Whoo hoo!!! That was a great way to start my day. I have a lot on my mind today. Nothing bad, just busy thoughts. I slept good last night and woke up with my brain going 1000 miles per hour. I might even have to make a list and work from that because I know me and know I'm going to miss something. But for now. I'm happy and feeling good.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Medical update
Today was the first day in over a week that my shoulder wasn't killing me. It still hurts but it's much more bareable now (touch a screw) I'm hoping if I can keep being good, it will heal more and more everyday.
Wedding jitters
The stuff coming up for the wedding is a bit scary. There is so much to do. Flowers, dresses, rehearsals, dinner, decorating, speeches. But that isn't the scary part really.
The scary part is in my head. Worrying and wondering what the hell I'm doing being part of a wedding......and especially being the Maid of Honor.
I mean, she's my best friend. I love her to death. But I'm so worried I'm going to ruin her wedding by being in it. Maid of Honor is right there in the think of things and I don't want to screw anything up. I'm a terrible speech maker--I go into panic mode and trip up on my words and sound like an idiot.
The other issue is the dress. Everyone tells me it looks nice on me, but I think I'm going to look terrible and ruin the pictures. All the other bridesmaids are pretty and look amazing. I'm fat, I'm not pretty. I just feel like it should be someone else up there so that I don't embarrass myself or anyone else. Even dressed up and in makeup with my hair done, I'll still never be anywhere near as pretty as the others.
I do want to go, don't get me wrong. I want to be there for my friend and I am honored that she asked me to be her MoH. I'm just feeling pretty fucking insecure about how I'm going to look compared to everyone else.
The scary part is in my head. Worrying and wondering what the hell I'm doing being part of a wedding......and especially being the Maid of Honor.
I mean, she's my best friend. I love her to death. But I'm so worried I'm going to ruin her wedding by being in it. Maid of Honor is right there in the think of things and I don't want to screw anything up. I'm a terrible speech maker--I go into panic mode and trip up on my words and sound like an idiot.
The other issue is the dress. Everyone tells me it looks nice on me, but I think I'm going to look terrible and ruin the pictures. All the other bridesmaids are pretty and look amazing. I'm fat, I'm not pretty. I just feel like it should be someone else up there so that I don't embarrass myself or anyone else. Even dressed up and in makeup with my hair done, I'll still never be anywhere near as pretty as the others.
I do want to go, don't get me wrong. I want to be there for my friend and I am honored that she asked me to be her MoH. I'm just feeling pretty fucking insecure about how I'm going to look compared to everyone else.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Another Sunday
Still fight with my shoulder. Must have slept on it wrong because I woke up hurting like crazy. I'm trying to be good and not do the things I'm not supposed to. It's a lot easier to be good when I don't take anything for the pain.....if it hurts, I don't use it or over use it. But of course that means I'm in pain and that actually sucks a bunch.
I have such a busy couple of weeks ahead and it's starting to worry me. I have a bachelorette party to plan/go to. I'm really not into dancing but that's what the bride would like so we're going to dinner and then to a club. I also have the rehearsal, helping with the flowers, picking up my dress and something else I can't think of at the moment. I also have a graduation (the bride's) next weekend too.
It just seems a bit overwhelming right now. Mostly because I have all this stuff coming up and I'm hurting so much right now and I still have to work. I used to thrive on all this super stress but now I hate it. I just feel like everything is coming at me full speed and I'm wearing cement socks (I still have a sense of humor)
And I know this doesn't have anything to do with weddings or working or anything but my stupid computer is fucked up, the PC not my laptop. The stupid thing has stopped recognizing the CD drives. It just doesn't see them there. I can't run anything and now I can't get my router hooked up (or the printer that has been sitting on the desk for 2 months). I really wanted to get my wireless signal working so I can get online and not be bumped off. It's just one more thing on my list of things that have to be taken care of.
I am also having problems with some other writing I'm trying to do. My sponsor has agree to let me type my step work instead of doing it by hand and I'm having trouble completing one of the assignments. It's a mini autobiography. It's hard to write because it's my past and all the things that helped make me the addict I am today. I've gotten up to my first stint in rehab at 15, but it's getting harder and harder to work on. I just don't like reliving all the crap that has happened in my life. It's not as bad as a 4th step but it's still my history and what, to me, feels like all my dirty little secrets. I've been trying to work on it but I get into a crappy place when I do, so I haven't because I'm already in a crappy place physically. I know I need to get it together and just write. I did start my gratitude list and I am trying to get my definitions of steps 1-3 started. But the reality is, I NEED to work on the auto. I need to get that out of me.
So that's where I am. Think I'm going to kick back and watch Grey's Anatomy, finally. See ya.
I have such a busy couple of weeks ahead and it's starting to worry me. I have a bachelorette party to plan/go to. I'm really not into dancing but that's what the bride would like so we're going to dinner and then to a club. I also have the rehearsal, helping with the flowers, picking up my dress and something else I can't think of at the moment. I also have a graduation (the bride's) next weekend too.
It just seems a bit overwhelming right now. Mostly because I have all this stuff coming up and I'm hurting so much right now and I still have to work. I used to thrive on all this super stress but now I hate it. I just feel like everything is coming at me full speed and I'm wearing cement socks (I still have a sense of humor)
And I know this doesn't have anything to do with weddings or working or anything but my stupid computer is fucked up, the PC not my laptop. The stupid thing has stopped recognizing the CD drives. It just doesn't see them there. I can't run anything and now I can't get my router hooked up (or the printer that has been sitting on the desk for 2 months). I really wanted to get my wireless signal working so I can get online and not be bumped off. It's just one more thing on my list of things that have to be taken care of.
I am also having problems with some other writing I'm trying to do. My sponsor has agree to let me type my step work instead of doing it by hand and I'm having trouble completing one of the assignments. It's a mini autobiography. It's hard to write because it's my past and all the things that helped make me the addict I am today. I've gotten up to my first stint in rehab at 15, but it's getting harder and harder to work on. I just don't like reliving all the crap that has happened in my life. It's not as bad as a 4th step but it's still my history and what, to me, feels like all my dirty little secrets. I've been trying to work on it but I get into a crappy place when I do, so I haven't because I'm already in a crappy place physically. I know I need to get it together and just write. I did start my gratitude list and I am trying to get my definitions of steps 1-3 started. But the reality is, I NEED to work on the auto. I need to get that out of me.
So that's where I am. Think I'm going to kick back and watch Grey's Anatomy, finally. See ya.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Saturday morning
In the mood for a little purply pink today. So it's Saturday and I am very grateful that it is. I'm still sore from hurting my arm last week but it is healing. I probably did way too much with the boys this week but I plan on having a very boring and quiet weekend. I have been reading some other blogs and I have decided to steal some ideas. The first one is call "100 things about me" and the other is "50 things I'm grateful for". I'm going back to bed for a bit now, but I want to do these by the end of the weekend.
It feels good to feel good. I was re-reading my blogs from last week and it was so negative and angry and destructive but at the same time, it was theraputic and got me through those feelings without acting on the impulses to hurt myself. For now I really like blogging.
Night night
It feels good to feel good. I was re-reading my blogs from last week and it was so negative and angry and destructive but at the same time, it was theraputic and got me through those feelings without acting on the impulses to hurt myself. For now I really like blogging.
Night night
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Update on Pain
Finally able to take something for the pain. All day it was hard because I couldn't let myself take meds because I was worried that I would over do it again. I woke up in even more pain because I did too much and I didn't want that to happen again. I was pretty good about picking up the boys today and my dad, bless him, helped out a lot.
For now, I'm feeling better and I am going to take advantage of this nearly pain free moment to try and fall asleep. Or watch TV. Whatever
For now, I'm feeling better and I am going to take advantage of this nearly pain free moment to try and fall asleep. Or watch TV. Whatever
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
quick update
Just on for a few before I head up to bed to watch some Leverage in bed. My shoulder fucking hurts! Well, right now I have the muscle relaxer so its not so bad. It was a hard day with the boys though. i took a pill when i first got home with them and then i felt okay, but as usual, i did too much and by the time i took them home, i was dying. Now they have kicked in and although I feel better, im still hurting.
right now i just want to go to bed.
right now i just want to go to bed.
Ouchie
This post is in red because I always think of red when I'm sick or as the case is today, hurt. Last night, I popped my shoulder out of the socket while sleeping. It had been dislocated about 5 times in my life so it's really not that hard to do. But somehow it popped back in wrong and I ended up at urgent care.
Nothing is torn (which is REALLY good) but it's still very sore. There is mass spasm in the muscles and they are pulled and strained as well as the tendons. Currently it's like 4am and I'm hurting so I got up.
The hardest part will be not picking up the boys so much. The Dr told me to take it easy and let them come to me, climb on my lap etc. They are already going through that with their mom so it's going to be hard for them......and me. I love being on the floor with them letting them crawl and climb on me. I'm not likely to stop, but I will try not to do so much.
Anyway, that's it. A very boring post on my blog. My meds are kicking in. I think I'm going to head back to bed. Nighty night.
Nothing is torn (which is REALLY good) but it's still very sore. There is mass spasm in the muscles and they are pulled and strained as well as the tendons. Currently it's like 4am and I'm hurting so I got up.
The hardest part will be not picking up the boys so much. The Dr told me to take it easy and let them come to me, climb on my lap etc. They are already going through that with their mom so it's going to be hard for them......and me. I love being on the floor with them letting them crawl and climb on me. I'm not likely to stop, but I will try not to do so much.
Anyway, that's it. A very boring post on my blog. My meds are kicking in. I think I'm going to head back to bed. Nighty night.
Monday, May 11, 2009
It's Monday
So it's Monday. I know I just saw them on Saturday, but I'm happy to be picking up the boys. I miss them. Today is a weird day. I have to drop one off early and then come back and stay late to put them down. It throws our schedule off a bit but the change is kinda nice. Jack and I are going to the mall alone for a little while and that will be fun.
Not feeling so intense today. I don't like the feelings I get. I'm glad when I have days where they are not as constant. The reality is, I have more mellow days than intense days. But the bad ones feel like they last 10 times as long so it feels like I have them a lot.
I'm still really worried about letting anyone read this blog. My rants and ramblings are not always healthy and I'm so afraid someone is going to read them and go "dude, this chick is whack--lock her up". Actually, no one I know would use those exact words, LOL! But the action would be the same. I'm not crazy. I'm just really afraid that I might really freak people out. And I really don't want to scare away those who love me.
So, that's how my morning is. Boring but good. Had my RockstaR, got a shower already, messed around on the computer and now I'm going to head out and go get water and pick up the babies.
Not feeling so intense today. I don't like the feelings I get. I'm glad when I have days where they are not as constant. The reality is, I have more mellow days than intense days. But the bad ones feel like they last 10 times as long so it feels like I have them a lot.
I'm still really worried about letting anyone read this blog. My rants and ramblings are not always healthy and I'm so afraid someone is going to read them and go "dude, this chick is whack--lock her up". Actually, no one I know would use those exact words, LOL! But the action would be the same. I'm not crazy. I'm just really afraid that I might really freak people out. And I really don't want to scare away those who love me.
So, that's how my morning is. Boring but good. Had my RockstaR, got a shower already, messed around on the computer and now I'm going to head out and go get water and pick up the babies.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Today was bettter
Today was better. It was mother's day. We didn't do very much, we attempted to have breakfast out but mom cancelled, big shocker there. So daddy and I just did the shopping and came home. I took a bit of a nap and then just hung out all day.
I still stayed fairly anti-social. Didn't really want to talk to anyone much. just wanted to be left alone to watch my shows and clear out my DVR. I just took a me day.
The urges were still there, but today, they weren't constant and they weren't so intense. They never really go away totally, but when they are just in the background and not taking up all the important part of my brain, they are bearable and very easy to dismiss.
I think not having to dealing with people too much today helped keep me in a mellow mood. It gave me time to think, not to obsess but to think about how I'm feeling and more importantly, WHY I'm feeling these things and what I can do about them.
My sponsor told me that if I were to write or talk about what is going on in my head that it takes some of the power out of it. I'm finding that to be true. Though I am constantly scared that what I say here and to others is going to get me in trouble. I want to deal with this. But I don't want anyone to change what they think of me. Basically I just don't want them to keep their distance and pull away at the same time I want some answers.
But one thing that does disturb me a bit is that I don't know if I want the thoughts and urges to go away completely. For me, the thoughts and urges feel safe. The fantasy of it all has a calming effect and helps me concentrate and get through the tough times. I would feel lost without them. But I don't like the way it takes me over some times. The way it makes me obsess on death and hurting.
But today wasn't so bad. I took a quiet day and stayed home and just tried to relax and let myself be me. I took some time to look at my responsibilities and prioritized what needed to be done. I can't do it all and I should feel like I have to. I still do, but again,I'm a work in progress.
I still stayed fairly anti-social. Didn't really want to talk to anyone much. just wanted to be left alone to watch my shows and clear out my DVR. I just took a me day.
The urges were still there, but today, they weren't constant and they weren't so intense. They never really go away totally, but when they are just in the background and not taking up all the important part of my brain, they are bearable and very easy to dismiss.
I think not having to dealing with people too much today helped keep me in a mellow mood. It gave me time to think, not to obsess but to think about how I'm feeling and more importantly, WHY I'm feeling these things and what I can do about them.
My sponsor told me that if I were to write or talk about what is going on in my head that it takes some of the power out of it. I'm finding that to be true. Though I am constantly scared that what I say here and to others is going to get me in trouble. I want to deal with this. But I don't want anyone to change what they think of me. Basically I just don't want them to keep their distance and pull away at the same time I want some answers.
But one thing that does disturb me a bit is that I don't know if I want the thoughts and urges to go away completely. For me, the thoughts and urges feel safe. The fantasy of it all has a calming effect and helps me concentrate and get through the tough times. I would feel lost without them. But I don't like the way it takes me over some times. The way it makes me obsess on death and hurting.
But today wasn't so bad. I took a quiet day and stayed home and just tried to relax and let myself be me. I took some time to look at my responsibilities and prioritized what needed to be done. I can't do it all and I should feel like I have to. I still do, but again,I'm a work in progress.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Feeling Hostile
I've also noticed that I am increasing hostile to some people when I'm in this mood. I'm not sure why. When I'm feeling like this and my mind is running a billion RPMs, certain people piss me off more than others and I get mean and bitchy to them. Mostly my mom. But others feel my crankiness too. Once I'm alone, I feel bad for snapping. Once I'm alone I think about how much these people I love so much, would suffer if I were to act on my thoughts. Again, feeling selfish and angry at the same time.
I sometimes think it's a way to push people away, but I think it's more than that. I think it's me trying to make a trigger where there isn't one. If I'm a bitch to my mom and then we get into a fight and she says things and I say things, then I have an excuse to act on my urges. Or, I pick a fight knowing she will say mean and hurtful things that will hurt me and that will be a just enough of a temporary patch to take the edge off my needs to self injure.
Wow, that was honest. That was me being my truly ugly self.
I sometimes think it's a way to push people away, but I think it's more than that. I think it's me trying to make a trigger where there isn't one. If I'm a bitch to my mom and then we get into a fight and she says things and I say things, then I have an excuse to act on my urges. Or, I pick a fight knowing she will say mean and hurtful things that will hurt me and that will be a just enough of a temporary patch to take the edge off my needs to self injure.
Wow, that was honest. That was me being my truly ugly self.
Really not healthy thoughts
I've noticed I pick ugly colors when I'm not in a good mood. Which, let's face it, is quite often these days. Today was long and hard for me. I ran my errands this morning and headed to the bridal shower. The shower itself was OK.....but where it was held was a trigger for me. It was a block or so down from where a spent a great deal of my using time. When I headed there, I went to turn into the parking lot of the church where the shower was at and I didn't. I kept driving and pulled into the lot to my old house. I never actually lived there, but I spent the most part of 5 years there.
All these memories flooded me and I started to cry. I can't quite explain what I felt. It was sadness and nostalgia and love and hate and fun and hurt and loss and longing and gratitude. It was all of it. I made myself leave and sat in the church parking lot and cried for a bit. Then I went to the shower and had a good time. But the whole time, I had all these memories running around in my brain. I then went and had my dress fitted which wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be and then came home and shut off my phone and ignored my FB and Twitter and just vegged out catching up with my DVR.
But the thoughts were there. They still are. Stupid and selfish and constant. The urge to hurt myself is strong today. It's one of those days where I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 15 or 20 minutes without an urge. I try to focus on something else, but I sure enough, the want to hurt seeps back into my brain. It's nothing specific really. Some thoughts are cutting. Some are hitting things. Some are about ODing. Some are just hoping something terrible happens by chance. But they are there. Well, to be honest, they are always there. I do have these thoughts everyday, but most days, it's just a fleeting thought that goes away before it can sink in. Days like today, I'm saturated with them.
I don't act on them. I fantasize about it, but don't do it. I would hurt so many people. My friends and family would be so mad. I mean really mad. If I died, they would be angry for the rest of their memories of me. If I didn't, they would stop loving me for being so selfish. So either way I couldn't win. My only hope for not having everyone hate me is for something to happen on it's own. On days like today.......I wouldn't fight. I would let it take me.
I don't understand why I think this way. But I can't tell anyone really, not truly. I can't be honest and just let all this out because I don't want to get locked up. And I really don't want people to change how they see me. And they would. They would look at me like I was crazy and they would keep me at a distance. And that kind of loss it just too much for me to bear.
So I ride out the storm, like always. Praying that I can resist but also praying that I can't. Wanting so much to not feel this way and so much to not feel at all.
I'm, as always, looking for a reason to live and an excuse not to.
All these memories flooded me and I started to cry. I can't quite explain what I felt. It was sadness and nostalgia and love and hate and fun and hurt and loss and longing and gratitude. It was all of it. I made myself leave and sat in the church parking lot and cried for a bit. Then I went to the shower and had a good time. But the whole time, I had all these memories running around in my brain. I then went and had my dress fitted which wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be and then came home and shut off my phone and ignored my FB and Twitter and just vegged out catching up with my DVR.
But the thoughts were there. They still are. Stupid and selfish and constant. The urge to hurt myself is strong today. It's one of those days where I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 15 or 20 minutes without an urge. I try to focus on something else, but I sure enough, the want to hurt seeps back into my brain. It's nothing specific really. Some thoughts are cutting. Some are hitting things. Some are about ODing. Some are just hoping something terrible happens by chance. But they are there. Well, to be honest, they are always there. I do have these thoughts everyday, but most days, it's just a fleeting thought that goes away before it can sink in. Days like today, I'm saturated with them.
I don't act on them. I fantasize about it, but don't do it. I would hurt so many people. My friends and family would be so mad. I mean really mad. If I died, they would be angry for the rest of their memories of me. If I didn't, they would stop loving me for being so selfish. So either way I couldn't win. My only hope for not having everyone hate me is for something to happen on it's own. On days like today.......I wouldn't fight. I would let it take me.
I don't understand why I think this way. But I can't tell anyone really, not truly. I can't be honest and just let all this out because I don't want to get locked up. And I really don't want people to change how they see me. And they would. They would look at me like I was crazy and they would keep me at a distance. And that kind of loss it just too much for me to bear.
So I ride out the storm, like always. Praying that I can resist but also praying that I can't. Wanting so much to not feel this way and so much to not feel at all.
I'm, as always, looking for a reason to live and an excuse not to.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Off day
Today wasn't my best day. It was hot and the twins were not cooperating when it came to napping. And once they were about to fall asleep, the carpet guys starting banging around upstairs and kept them awake. Then when they were about to go down again, the carpet guys started the cleaning machine. I just gave up and let them run around and play. It was hot and I just pulled off their t-shirts and let them run in the backyard.
Of course by then, it was almost time to take them home and I was so wiped out tired and fried that I was just buzzing with negative energy. I'm sure that didn't help with the moods of the babies. And it doesn't help that I am PMSing right now either. But I also have so much to do and I don't want to let anyone down. My schedule is just too full. I'm trying not to take on anymore, but something always pops up and I feel like it's my duty to take on more even if it's waring me down.
The next few weeks are just insane for me. Tomorrow I have a Bridal Shower followed by the final fitting for my bridesmaid dress (that I can't afford). Sunday is mother's day and Daddy and I have to do the grocery and walmart shopping in the morning and then figure out a nice dinner thingy for mom and Pattie. Monday I have to work late. Wednesday I have an early Dr's appt--with a therapist so I WILL need it. Plus a play date at the mall. Thursday I have to work late again. So Friday is my only day to breath and by then I'm like I am today. Fried.
And speaking of my meeting. This meeting has been my home group since I came to NA. I love the people there. They are my family. But lately, I'm having trouble making myself go to the meeting. Part of it is that the meeting is late (8-9:30) and a 30 minute drive from home. If I stay, I don't get home til after 10 and then I have to wind down and get to sleep and get up early the next day to run my errands and work. But in all honesty, there is more to it than that.
Yes, these are my people, my family, my friends. But lately, I don't feel very connected. I know I belong, but I feel like I'm outside looking in now. I know these changes are in me, it's not the meeting that has changed. It's me. I feel like being antisocial and being alone.
And it's not just to them but to pretty much everyone. I feel the need to be by myself. I'm OK with my own company. I enjoy just leading a quiet life. I enjoy hibernating with a great book I've read 100 times or with a movie I've can recite word for word. I like my down time. Sometimes, I like it a bit too much.
A lot of what's going on is partially health related. I'm anemic, hence the tiredness. Not much I can do about it. Taking iron, eating red meat, taking homeopathic remedies. But I'm still tired. I didn't realize when I took on this job that it would be this much work. When I agreed to nanny the twins, I thought it would be cake. Well, it's not. It's a lot of work. It's tiring, and it can be frustrating and it can drive you a bit bonkers. I'm not sorry I took the job. I'm just tired. But this job is the most fulfilling job I've ever had. I get more love and joy out of those boys. Some mornings, just knowing I'm going to see them and they are going to smile and run up to get and give some loves is what gets me up at all. I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I'm not 19 anymore. I figured that out yesterday. I'm not young and running hard on dope. I'm not old, but I feel older. But see, I'm actually OK with getting older. I don't want to live forever. I just want to live well. And right now......there are some things in my head that are not all that well. Which is why I'm here. Letting everything out, the good and the bad. By blogging I'm hoping to find a middle ground in my head where I can just be me. Ali. Nothing more. Nothing Less
Of course by then, it was almost time to take them home and I was so wiped out tired and fried that I was just buzzing with negative energy. I'm sure that didn't help with the moods of the babies. And it doesn't help that I am PMSing right now either. But I also have so much to do and I don't want to let anyone down. My schedule is just too full. I'm trying not to take on anymore, but something always pops up and I feel like it's my duty to take on more even if it's waring me down.
The next few weeks are just insane for me. Tomorrow I have a Bridal Shower followed by the final fitting for my bridesmaid dress (that I can't afford). Sunday is mother's day and Daddy and I have to do the grocery and walmart shopping in the morning and then figure out a nice dinner thingy for mom and Pattie. Monday I have to work late. Wednesday I have an early Dr's appt--with a therapist so I WILL need it. Plus a play date at the mall. Thursday I have to work late again. So Friday is my only day to breath and by then I'm like I am today. Fried.
And speaking of my meeting. This meeting has been my home group since I came to NA. I love the people there. They are my family. But lately, I'm having trouble making myself go to the meeting. Part of it is that the meeting is late (8-9:30) and a 30 minute drive from home. If I stay, I don't get home til after 10 and then I have to wind down and get to sleep and get up early the next day to run my errands and work. But in all honesty, there is more to it than that.
Yes, these are my people, my family, my friends. But lately, I don't feel very connected. I know I belong, but I feel like I'm outside looking in now. I know these changes are in me, it's not the meeting that has changed. It's me. I feel like being antisocial and being alone.
And it's not just to them but to pretty much everyone. I feel the need to be by myself. I'm OK with my own company. I enjoy just leading a quiet life. I enjoy hibernating with a great book I've read 100 times or with a movie I've can recite word for word. I like my down time. Sometimes, I like it a bit too much.
A lot of what's going on is partially health related. I'm anemic, hence the tiredness. Not much I can do about it. Taking iron, eating red meat, taking homeopathic remedies. But I'm still tired. I didn't realize when I took on this job that it would be this much work. When I agreed to nanny the twins, I thought it would be cake. Well, it's not. It's a lot of work. It's tiring, and it can be frustrating and it can drive you a bit bonkers. I'm not sorry I took the job. I'm just tired. But this job is the most fulfilling job I've ever had. I get more love and joy out of those boys. Some mornings, just knowing I'm going to see them and they are going to smile and run up to get and give some loves is what gets me up at all. I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I'm not 19 anymore. I figured that out yesterday. I'm not young and running hard on dope. I'm not old, but I feel older. But see, I'm actually OK with getting older. I don't want to live forever. I just want to live well. And right now......there are some things in my head that are not all that well. Which is why I'm here. Letting everything out, the good and the bad. By blogging I'm hoping to find a middle ground in my head where I can just be me. Ali. Nothing more. Nothing Less
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Slighty crabby
Getting ready to head to a dr's appt. Finally the last of the work is done for the house. I have my playroom back and that will make life much easier for me today with the twins. I have a million errands to run today. I have 4 birthdays, plus mother's day for at least 4 moms and I don't have anything done yet? YIKES!!!!!
I did end up at the mall yesterday but all I ended up buying was a pretzel and 2 pairs of shoes for the boys. It's harder than I thought to shop with them because they get so bored so easy that I can't really focus.....all my focus is on keeping them entertained. I don't have a lot of time today because of my meetings tonight.
And speaking of. I'm seriously debating quitting activities. I have a lot of pros and cons about quitting. After nearly 3 years, honestly, it's no longer fun. Plus, things are not running as smoothly as they used to. It's becoming a headache and I'm starting to resent it. But I have a feeling that if I leave, it would hurt the committee. I have been doing so much for so long that I'm afraid things won't get done and BA activities will fall to hell again. I'm trying to write this out, to see what's best for me. I don't want to make any decisions at the moment because- first, I'm PMSing and that's never a good time to make big decisions and second- oh crap, I forgot my second. I know there is one but I'll be damned if I can remember right now.
Oh well, gotta head out to the dr's.
I did end up at the mall yesterday but all I ended up buying was a pretzel and 2 pairs of shoes for the boys. It's harder than I thought to shop with them because they get so bored so easy that I can't really focus.....all my focus is on keeping them entertained. I don't have a lot of time today because of my meetings tonight.
And speaking of. I'm seriously debating quitting activities. I have a lot of pros and cons about quitting. After nearly 3 years, honestly, it's no longer fun. Plus, things are not running as smoothly as they used to. It's becoming a headache and I'm starting to resent it. But I have a feeling that if I leave, it would hurt the committee. I have been doing so much for so long that I'm afraid things won't get done and BA activities will fall to hell again. I'm trying to write this out, to see what's best for me. I don't want to make any decisions at the moment because- first, I'm PMSing and that's never a good time to make big decisions and second- oh crap, I forgot my second. I know there is one but I'll be damned if I can remember right now.
Oh well, gotta head out to the dr's.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
blogging
So I'm trying this blogging thing and right now I'm pretty fucking frustrated. I would like to be able to keep certain blogs private and others public but so far I haven't figured it out. I have gotten a bunch of people who have offered help but as usual, they just turned out to be trying to sell me something. I can't afford to be putting money out when there when there are so many free services.
I'm also just frustrated in general because of things going on at my house. A few weeks ago a small pipe burst in the wall. Long story short, we had to have the whole vanity and wall torn out and all sorts of special stuff done to prevent black mold both upstairs in the bathroom it happened in and also downstairs in the den. Well today the guy was working, and truly, he was awesome, but everything was going on and i couldn't allow the twins to be in the den so they were out in the living room and the whole house stinks like paint and some kind of disinfectant. Well, he couldn't get it done in one day so he'll be back tomorrow and again the boys will not be able to be in the playroom (den) and it just makes the day so hard and long. Whew......talk about a run on sentence, my mother would be appalled.
So that was my day. Oh except for the part where I had to return my new laptop for another new one and am still in the process of transferring all my stuff (and will be for the next couple of days) Now I'm just totally fried and have a gnarly headache. Yeah....that's it.
I'm also just frustrated in general because of things going on at my house. A few weeks ago a small pipe burst in the wall. Long story short, we had to have the whole vanity and wall torn out and all sorts of special stuff done to prevent black mold both upstairs in the bathroom it happened in and also downstairs in the den. Well today the guy was working, and truly, he was awesome, but everything was going on and i couldn't allow the twins to be in the den so they were out in the living room and the whole house stinks like paint and some kind of disinfectant. Well, he couldn't get it done in one day so he'll be back tomorrow and again the boys will not be able to be in the playroom (den) and it just makes the day so hard and long. Whew......talk about a run on sentence, my mother would be appalled.
So that was my day. Oh except for the part where I had to return my new laptop for another new one and am still in the process of transferring all my stuff (and will be for the next couple of days) Now I'm just totally fried and have a gnarly headache. Yeah....that's it.
Nothing important
So I'm just getting used to having this blog. I'm trying to write something everyday, even if it is meaningless drivel. I am still figuring out how I can use this blog for just a regular blog but also for a recovery blog. All my step work was ruined when a bottle of oil spilled on it. So my sponsor wants me to kinda re-do some of it. I'm one of the freaks though......I tend to write better while typing. Go figure. My current assignment is to blog until I find a blog that I like (so that I can make certain posts private) and then start steps 1, 2, and 3 again. So that's it.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Just testing this out
As a fair warning. This blog is going to be about me and my life. My life includes working on my steps in recovery. I like to swear, a lot. Not going to change that for here. I also in some posts will be talking about issues from my past that others might find offensive. So this first post is a test.
Today wasn't a bad day, nor was it great. Took care of the boys. Played and read and blew bubbles. I decided to start a blog for my self. I have a lot to work through and writing usually helps me get my brain working and helps me sort my thoughts. That' going to be it for tonight. Good night
Today wasn't a bad day, nor was it great. Took care of the boys. Played and read and blew bubbles. I decided to start a blog for my self. I have a lot to work through and writing usually helps me get my brain working and helps me sort my thoughts. That' going to be it for tonight. Good night
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