day before

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 39. I don't like birthday's much. It's not the getting older, I'm okay with that. It's more questioning the need to celebrate. It doesn't make sense to me either, yet. I always think of birthdays (everyone else's that is) as a special day because it was the day that God gave us that person. It's important to celebrate that special day. Important to make sure that person knows just how blessed the world is because they are in it. But I don't see it that way for me. I don't see the where the blessing is.

At the same time though. I do want to know that people remember, that I matter. I'm just afraid that the people who say I matter, don't really believe it. Because if they don't really care, then I'm not worth caring about, and I don't matter. As much as I personally believe that's the case, I don't want confirmation. It would hurt too much. Or maybe just enough........