a ps of sorts

So I wasn't really finished earlier. I was hurting and didn't feel up to blogging properly. But now the TV is off, my folks are elsewhere not botherin me and so now is my time to really dig in and blog.

My negative stuff is coming through a lot. The urge to hurt myself is strong along w/ the desire to use. I try to just push it away, but I really wanted to get this step work done before my birthday. I was stuck on the bio because I didn't want to talk about the rape. It makes me feel so sick inside, physically sick. TThe psychology sick is always there but worse after I've been in my head access those memories.

Talking about the rape hurts so much. But I do have to say it wasn't as bad as the last time I talked about it. I'm guess that I am taking away some of the power of it. I just hate to feel this way and now I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes and see the places I've been.

I know that dealing with this will probably make it much much easier to live with, but I just don't want to deal with it. I can't decide if I liked it better when I hadn't told anyone. I would just pretend that it didn't happen. But now it's there, in my brain and I can't stop thinking about it.

I think about how much I just wanted to die. I tried to OD every chance I got for months. But nothing would seal that pain away. Working on my steps though is putting it in the foreground and making it not hurt so much. But when it comes down to it, I just don't want to remember, think about or accept it.

I always wonder, why me? I figured God had given me enough challenges. What would my life be like today if it had NOT happened. Would I be different? Would I be dead? Would I be married with my own children? Would I have found the people in my life that I love to death? Would I be whole person? Would I be "normal"? Could I live like everyone else? Would I still be so broken and such damaged goods?

Who knows. Because we can't make the past go away and even if we did, all the things in life would be changed. Everything --Every little thing--makes us who we are. Good or bad. Without that bad, I may not have been led to all that's good in my life.

But sometimes, I do wonder and daydream about what I would be like if the rape never happened.