again, too long between blogs

I keep saying I'll blog and then I don't get around to it. I think a lot of it is avoiding putting what I'm feeling down on 'paper'. Seeing what I'm thinking is far worse than just thinking it. It's like a bad secret about yourself, if you don't actually say the words outloud, then they aren't true but once they have been said, you can't take them back. Same holds true to my blogging.

I had a pretty decent week. Took a couple cakes. Sometimes I think that they don't matter. I know they do, but not so much to me. I think they matter to other people more than they do to me. And I think there is something wrong with me to feel that way.

I've been really edgy and crabby this evening. Just little things pissing me off and me over reacting to them. I haven't thrown a fit or been a bitch, but there is this button inside me and it got pushed and then it just got stuck. I know part of it is just hormones. Part of it is just my fucked up brain patterns. Part of it is unknown.

I think it has a lot to do with my step work. I'm still working on my mini-auto and still having trouble writing about that one thing. I don't even like saying the word. Whenever I get into step work, I get into a bad place. Taking cakes during this time doesn't help.

Trying not to put too much down about the negative stuff. I'm so worried about worrying my friends and family. I have all the self injuring thoughts, they have been quite a comfort this week. I don't want to act on them but just thinking about it calms me down. I know that is sick, but it's true.

Anyway, wasn't really in the mood to get into all this before I go to bed. I will finish the thoughts and this blog tomorrow or even another day. But not now. I think I'm going to veg out on twitter and youtube and just let myself be distracted.

Good night folks.