Today was better. It was mother's day. We didn't do very much, we attempted to have breakfast out but mom cancelled, big shocker there. So daddy and I just did the shopping and came home. I took a bit of a nap and then just hung out all day.
I still stayed fairly anti-social. Didn't really want to talk to anyone much. just wanted to be left alone to watch my shows and clear out my DVR. I just took a me day.
The urges were still there, but today, they weren't constant and they weren't so intense. They never really go away totally, but when they are just in the background and not taking up all the important part of my brain, they are bearable and very easy to dismiss.
I think not having to dealing with people too much today helped keep me in a mellow mood. It gave me time to think, not to obsess but to think about how I'm feeling and more importantly, WHY I'm feeling these things and what I can do about them.
My sponsor told me that if I were to write or talk about what is going on in my head that it takes some of the power out of it. I'm finding that to be true. Though I am constantly scared that what I say here and to others is going to get me in trouble. I want to deal with this. But I don't want anyone to change what they think of me. Basically I just don't want them to keep their distance and pull away at the same time I want some answers.
But one thing that does disturb me a bit is that I don't know if I want the thoughts and urges to go away completely. For me, the thoughts and urges feel safe. The fantasy of it all has a calming effect and helps me concentrate and get through the tough times. I would feel lost without them. But I don't like the way it takes me over some times. The way it makes me obsess on death and hurting.
But today wasn't so bad. I took a quiet day and stayed home and just tried to relax and let myself be me. I took some time to look at my responsibilities and prioritized what needed to be done. I can't do it all and I should feel like I have to. I still do, but again,I'm a work in progress.
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