Really not healthy thoughts

I've noticed I pick ugly colors when I'm not in a good mood. Which, let's face it, is quite often these days. Today was long and hard for me. I ran my errands this morning and headed to the bridal shower. The shower itself was OK.....but where it was held was a trigger for me. It was a block or so down from where a spent a great deal of my using time. When I headed there, I went to turn into the parking lot of the church where the shower was at and I didn't. I kept driving and pulled into the lot to my old house. I never actually lived there, but I spent the most part of 5 years there.

All these memories flooded me and I started to cry. I can't quite explain what I felt. It was sadness and nostalgia and love and hate and fun and hurt and loss and longing and gratitude. It was all of it. I made myself leave and sat in the church parking lot and cried for a bit. Then I went to the shower and had a good time. But the whole time, I had all these memories running around in my brain. I then went and had my dress fitted which wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be and then came home and shut off my phone and ignored my FB and Twitter and just vegged out catching up with my DVR.

But the thoughts were there. They still are. Stupid and selfish and constant. The urge to hurt myself is strong today. It's one of those days where I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 15 or 20 minutes without an urge. I try to focus on something else, but I sure enough, the want to hurt seeps back into my brain. It's nothing specific really. Some thoughts are cutting. Some are hitting things. Some are about ODing. Some are just hoping something terrible happens by chance. But they are there. Well, to be honest, they are always there. I do have these thoughts everyday, but most days, it's just a fleeting thought that goes away before it can sink in. Days like today, I'm saturated with them.

I don't act on them. I fantasize about it, but don't do it. I would hurt so many people. My friends and family would be so mad. I mean really mad. If I died, they would be angry for the rest of their memories of me. If I didn't, they would stop loving me for being so selfish. So either way I couldn't win. My only hope for not having everyone hate me is for something to happen on it's own. On days like today.......I wouldn't fight. I would let it take me.

I don't understand why I think this way. But I can't tell anyone really, not truly. I can't be honest and just let all this out because I don't want to get locked up. And I really don't want people to change how they see me. And they would. They would look at me like I was crazy and they would keep me at a distance. And that kind of loss it just too much for me to bear.

So I ride out the storm, like always. Praying that I can resist but also praying that I can't. Wanting so much to not feel this way and so much to not feel at all.

I'm, as always, looking for a reason to live and an excuse not to.