Not Crabby

Shocking as it may be....I'm not crabby today. It feels kinda good. Boys are being great, taking a nap. I got to see Rob and J last night. I'm going to #concon. Things in general have been good. The meds are working well and I'm pretty stable. I still want to hybernate and sleep a lot, but it's not as bad as it was.

People have still been giving me shit about not going out and being all old but basically I've just let it go and told them to go fuck themselves. I like my quiet, anonymous life. I like coming home and vegging out on my shows or on twitter or youtube.

I spent too many years chasing highs and trying to live 8 lives at once, I did that for 20 years and I was never truly happy living that way. I don't feel the need to go out til all hours every night anymore or pretend to be something I'm not. I like being a homebody. And I am tired of apologizing for it.

One thing I really miss of those days though is the motivation and creativity I had. I know it was artificial and cost a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I miss it. I wish I could just sit and do my art w/out the drugs. I miss being that creative and loving it. And to be honest, I miss the energy. But I don't miss not sleeping and all the other bullshit that went along w/ it.

Right now I'm trying to get back to art for Christmas. I have a few projects, and ALL the supplies.....I just don't have the desire to sit and do it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I just can't make myself do it because w/out the drugs, I don't enjoy it. And to me, that is very sad. It's feels like I've lost a part of myself, the artist in me. I keep thinking that it will come back, but it's been so many years.

So for now, I'm just working on writing and hoping that by being productive that I'll find some kind of motivation to try to be creative other ways too.

So that's where I am.