Feeling Hostile

I've also noticed that I am increasing hostile to some people when I'm in this mood. I'm not sure why. When I'm feeling like this and my mind is running a billion RPMs, certain people piss me off more than others and I get mean and bitchy to them. Mostly my mom. But others feel my crankiness too. Once I'm alone, I feel bad for snapping. Once I'm alone I think about how much these people I love so much, would suffer if I were to act on my thoughts. Again, feeling selfish and angry at the same time.

I sometimes think it's a way to push people away, but I think it's more than that. I think it's me trying to make a trigger where there isn't one. If I'm a bitch to my mom and then we get into a fight and she says things and I say things, then I have an excuse to act on my urges. Or, I pick a fight knowing she will say mean and hurtful things that will hurt me and that will be a just enough of a temporary patch to take the edge off my needs to self injure.

Wow, that was honest. That was me being my truly ugly self.