Off day

Today wasn't my best day. It was hot and the twins were not cooperating when it came to napping. And once they were about to fall asleep, the carpet guys starting banging around upstairs and kept them awake. Then when they were about to go down again, the carpet guys started the cleaning machine. I just gave up and let them run around and play. It was hot and I just pulled off their t-shirts and let them run in the backyard.

Of course by then, it was almost time to take them home and I was so wiped out tired and fried that I was just buzzing with negative energy. I'm sure that didn't help with the moods of the babies. And it doesn't help that I am PMSing right now either. But I also have so much to do and I don't want to let anyone down. My schedule is just too full. I'm trying not to take on anymore, but something always pops up and I feel like it's my duty to take on more even if it's waring me down.

The next few weeks are just insane for me. Tomorrow I have a Bridal Shower followed by the final fitting for my bridesmaid dress (that I can't afford). Sunday is mother's day and Daddy and I have to do the grocery and walmart shopping in the morning and then figure out a nice dinner thingy for mom and Pattie. Monday I have to work late. Wednesday I have an early Dr's appt--with a therapist so I WILL need it. Plus a play date at the mall. Thursday I have to work late again. So Friday is my only day to breath and by then I'm like I am today. Fried.

And speaking of my meeting. This meeting has been my home group since I came to NA. I love the people there. They are my family. But lately, I'm having trouble making myself go to the meeting. Part of it is that the meeting is late (8-9:30) and a 30 minute drive from home. If I stay, I don't get home til after 10 and then I have to wind down and get to sleep and get up early the next day to run my errands and work. But in all honesty, there is more to it than that.

Yes, these are my people, my family, my friends. But lately, I don't feel very connected. I know I belong, but I feel like I'm outside looking in now. I know these changes are in me, it's not the meeting that has changed. It's me. I feel like being antisocial and being alone.

And it's not just to them but to pretty much everyone. I feel the need to be by myself. I'm OK with my own company. I enjoy just leading a quiet life. I enjoy hibernating with a great book I've read 100 times or with a movie I've can recite word for word. I like my down time. Sometimes, I like it a bit too much.

A lot of what's going on is partially health related. I'm anemic, hence the tiredness. Not much I can do about it. Taking iron, eating red meat, taking homeopathic remedies. But I'm still tired. I didn't realize when I took on this job that it would be this much work. When I agreed to nanny the twins, I thought it would be cake. Well, it's not. It's a lot of work. It's tiring, and it can be frustrating and it can drive you a bit bonkers. I'm not sorry I took the job. I'm just tired. But this job is the most fulfilling job I've ever had. I get more love and joy out of those boys. Some mornings, just knowing I'm going to see them and they are going to smile and run up to get and give some loves is what gets me up at all. I didn't expect it to be this hard.

I'm not 19 anymore. I figured that out yesterday. I'm not young and running hard on dope. I'm not old, but I feel older. But see, I'm actually OK with getting older. I don't want to live forever. I just want to live well. And right now......there are some things in my head that are not all that well. Which is why I'm here. Letting everything out, the good and the bad. By blogging I'm hoping to find a middle ground in my head where I can just be me. Ali. Nothing more. Nothing Less