3:23am

It's late. I woke up with bad dreams. Not horrible, but not pleasant. I've spent the last few day isolating. On antibiotics and they are affecting the anti depressants and making me feel antisocial.

I just feel so blah. I'm not in a bad space. I don't have overly obsessive thoughts about doing damage to me, just the usual ones. I'm not mad or sad. I'm just here. I'm just in the mood to ignore everyone and just veg out until I get over this.

I keep trying to figure out what's wrong or more to the point, what's NOT right and I can't really find anything. I guess it's just blah. And that's going to have to be OK, because that all I have right now.

daddy's day

Happy Father's Day

I have the most amazing daddy. I love that is he is my biggest fan. No matter any of the shit I pulled, he's there for me. He's the one who always takes my side. He holds grudges against anyone who hurts me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. And he drives me completely nuts with his over worrying ways. But he is my daddy and the most amazing man I have ever known. I am truly blessed.

birthday blog

So today was good. I still have that whole thing going on in my head but I had a good day. I had the boys today. They took a long nap. Took them home early. Had dinner out with a good friend and now, I am sitting around waiting for my tattoo artist to draw up my twilight tattoo. I could be here all night, but I am getting it before I go home tonight.

Thinking I might need to have my meds checked. I know all this shit in my head has always been there but it seems to have gotten worse lately, or maybe it's just that I am openly expressing it now. Who knows. I am worried that the wrong person will read this and totally freak out.

I do know that since I started blogging and writing, I have been doing better. Not acting on anything and I don't seem to be obsessing as much. Which is good. But seeing my thoughts down on 'paper' makes the more real and makes me feel like a monster.

Anyway, I am going to let it go for tonight and have a good night, no matter what.

day before

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 39. I don't like birthday's much. It's not the getting older, I'm okay with that. It's more questioning the need to celebrate. It doesn't make sense to me either, yet. I always think of birthdays (everyone else's that is) as a special day because it was the day that God gave us that person. It's important to celebrate that special day. Important to make sure that person knows just how blessed the world is because they are in it. But I don't see it that way for me. I don't see the where the blessing is.

At the same time though. I do want to know that people remember, that I matter. I'm just afraid that the people who say I matter, don't really believe it. Because if they don't really care, then I'm not worth caring about, and I don't matter. As much as I personally believe that's the case, I don't want confirmation. It would hurt too much. Or maybe just enough........

a ps of sorts

So I wasn't really finished earlier. I was hurting and didn't feel up to blogging properly. But now the TV is off, my folks are elsewhere not botherin me and so now is my time to really dig in and blog.

My negative stuff is coming through a lot. The urge to hurt myself is strong along w/ the desire to use. I try to just push it away, but I really wanted to get this step work done before my birthday. I was stuck on the bio because I didn't want to talk about the rape. It makes me feel so sick inside, physically sick. TThe psychology sick is always there but worse after I've been in my head access those memories.

Talking about the rape hurts so much. But I do have to say it wasn't as bad as the last time I talked about it. I'm guess that I am taking away some of the power of it. I just hate to feel this way and now I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes and see the places I've been.

I know that dealing with this will probably make it much much easier to live with, but I just don't want to deal with it. I can't decide if I liked it better when I hadn't told anyone. I would just pretend that it didn't happen. But now it's there, in my brain and I can't stop thinking about it.

I think about how much I just wanted to die. I tried to OD every chance I got for months. But nothing would seal that pain away. Working on my steps though is putting it in the foreground and making it not hurt so much. But when it comes down to it, I just don't want to remember, think about or accept it.

I always wonder, why me? I figured God had given me enough challenges. What would my life be like today if it had NOT happened. Would I be different? Would I be dead? Would I be married with my own children? Would I have found the people in my life that I love to death? Would I be whole person? Would I be "normal"? Could I live like everyone else? Would I still be so broken and such damaged goods?

Who knows. Because we can't make the past go away and even if we did, all the things in life would be changed. Everything --Every little thing--makes us who we are. Good or bad. Without that bad, I may not have been led to all that's good in my life.

But sometimes, I do wonder and daydream about what I would be like if the rape never happened.

2 days in a row

Didn't feel great today. Got the cramps and headache and tiredness. But I did get my step work done. I didn't want to finish it. Well, to be truthful. I just didn't want to talk about "it". I know rape is not a bad word but I hate to say it because it makes me feel dirty again. And even thought I was in a safe place, but saying the word Rape and describing what happend that night. It brought me down. After I got past that part the rest was easy to put down. But the thoughts are still there and they are very scary and painful.

So that is all for tonight. I did what I had to do and I did it well. Now I'm going to bed

again, too long between blogs

I keep saying I'll blog and then I don't get around to it. I think a lot of it is avoiding putting what I'm feeling down on 'paper'. Seeing what I'm thinking is far worse than just thinking it. It's like a bad secret about yourself, if you don't actually say the words outloud, then they aren't true but once they have been said, you can't take them back. Same holds true to my blogging.

I had a pretty decent week. Took a couple cakes. Sometimes I think that they don't matter. I know they do, but not so much to me. I think they matter to other people more than they do to me. And I think there is something wrong with me to feel that way.

I've been really edgy and crabby this evening. Just little things pissing me off and me over reacting to them. I haven't thrown a fit or been a bitch, but there is this button inside me and it got pushed and then it just got stuck. I know part of it is just hormones. Part of it is just my fucked up brain patterns. Part of it is unknown.

I think it has a lot to do with my step work. I'm still working on my mini-auto and still having trouble writing about that one thing. I don't even like saying the word. Whenever I get into step work, I get into a bad place. Taking cakes during this time doesn't help.

Trying not to put too much down about the negative stuff. I'm so worried about worrying my friends and family. I have all the self injuring thoughts, they have been quite a comfort this week. I don't want to act on them but just thinking about it calms me down. I know that is sick, but it's true.

Anyway, wasn't really in the mood to get into all this before I go to bed. I will finish the thoughts and this blog tomorrow or even another day. But not now. I think I'm going to veg out on twitter and youtube and just let myself be distracted.

Good night folks.

Tshirts I want

Color Code-

Blue-Twilight
Green-General
Red-Leverage
Purple-HP

I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. (back) It's a TWILIGHT thing...you wouldn't get it.

Only a vampire can love you forever!

Peace, Love, Twilight

Easily distracted by shiny objects (in shiny writing)

Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

That's 20 lbs of crazy in a 5 pound bag. (with a pic of Parker)

Age of the geek baby; we run the world (with a pic of Hardison)

Let's go break the law one more time....do you have Leverage?

That makes me cry inside--in my special angry place.

Black King = White Knight (maybe chess pieces)

Let's go steal us a __________ (fill in the blank)

Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

We pick up, where the law leaves off. (back) Got Leverage

What smells like crank and screams like a girl? (pic of eliot and meth head) That's right, you!

A little more than a team. (full cast pic)

Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer? (pic eliot as chef)

The sass, it doesn't help.

Is it me or is he getting creepier? (pic of parker)

Can you please not play with the little naked man? (pic of David)

Funny thing about con-men, they never bluff.

Grifter, Hitter, Hacker, Thief and the man with the plan.

been too long

It has been too long since I blogged. Last week was my down time after the wedding. I had a great time, the wedding was beautiful, but I am glad its over. Everyone was really sweet and said that I looked beautiful. I dont quite believe it though. In my eyes, I was just dressed up but there was no way I could be described as beautiful. I guess that is going to be one of my issues I talk to my therapist about this week.

I basically spent the week hybernating. I was tired and just wanted to catch up on sleep. Thursday I woke up with an ear infection that is just today starting to feel better. At least I can chew now.

So that's it. Nothing exciting. Nothing interesting. Just me.

Cliff Notes Version of the wedding in pics

Cutting the cake

First dance

Husband and Wife

Me, Twittering during the reception

Me with the famous Rainbow Skull socks! They were a hit!

Just me after the wedding

Tim and Lindsey exchanging vows

Lindsey's Dad walking her down the aisle


The pics are out of order but you get the general idea. It was an amazing day. More to come.