Wasn't the best day. So many little things added up and became huge. It took everything I had not to punch, kick, hit or cut something or someone (me) today. I had to make a promise just to get someone off the phone w/ me. I don't do it. I think about it. I want to do it. I know it won't make it go away, but for some reason, I am comforted and want to feel that comfort of my own pain. WHATEVER
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Been WAY too long
Ugly mood. Ugly color.
I'm in a really low space right now. Trying really hard to pull myself out of it, but at the same time, not trying at all. I know my meds need adjusting. I am going to get them done, but I don't want to do it before my trip to Seattle. I didn't think traveling while weening off one med and trying out another was such a good idea.
I'm not sad. I'm just blah. I have no desire or motive to do anything. I just want to be invisible and isolate. I want to sleep and I don't want to dream. I just want to go away. I just want to be alone.
There aren't any bad things going on, no bad anniversaries, not fighting w/ anyone. I'm just down. I just am in that place where I'm tired of......sigh......everything. I know a lot of this has to do w/ being sick. Karen (my therapist) noticed that whenever I am getting over being sick, I am always really really low. I haven't been able to see my therapist in a while. I thought it wasn't a big deal but I'm feeling it now. I probably won't be able to see her for at least another month or so. But even talking to her isn't enough.
There is also the PMS issue. It always makes things worse. I'm hoping that a med change will help with that too. A week of feeling like this on top of the other stuff is way too much for one person to take.
I wish I could self medicate. A handful of something....anything. My clean time is worth too much and too many people would be disappointed. Food doesn't cut it anymore. Going on a binge doesn't help. I wish it did. I'm so worried about people worrying about me. I don't so much care about what happens to me, but I care hurting them. Some days, that's the only thing I care about.........Not hurting them.
On the positive side (the only one I can find at the moment), I don't feel it as much when I'm w/ my boys. They give me so much joy. But what happens when that joy isn't enough?
I'm in a really low space right now. Trying really hard to pull myself out of it, but at the same time, not trying at all. I know my meds need adjusting. I am going to get them done, but I don't want to do it before my trip to Seattle. I didn't think traveling while weening off one med and trying out another was such a good idea.
I'm not sad. I'm just blah. I have no desire or motive to do anything. I just want to be invisible and isolate. I want to sleep and I don't want to dream. I just want to go away. I just want to be alone.
There aren't any bad things going on, no bad anniversaries, not fighting w/ anyone. I'm just down. I just am in that place where I'm tired of......sigh......everything. I know a lot of this has to do w/ being sick. Karen (my therapist) noticed that whenever I am getting over being sick, I am always really really low. I haven't been able to see my therapist in a while. I thought it wasn't a big deal but I'm feeling it now. I probably won't be able to see her for at least another month or so. But even talking to her isn't enough.
There is also the PMS issue. It always makes things worse. I'm hoping that a med change will help with that too. A week of feeling like this on top of the other stuff is way too much for one person to take.
I wish I could self medicate. A handful of something....anything. My clean time is worth too much and too many people would be disappointed. Food doesn't cut it anymore. Going on a binge doesn't help. I wish it did. I'm so worried about people worrying about me. I don't so much care about what happens to me, but I care hurting them. Some days, that's the only thing I care about.........Not hurting them.
On the positive side (the only one I can find at the moment), I don't feel it as much when I'm w/ my boys. They give me so much joy. But what happens when that joy isn't enough?
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