Long time no blog.
Still sick this weekend. The abscess in my ear is better, but still oozing. This cold is taking a firmer grip and headed to the lungs. In general. Life pretty much sucks right now. Feel like crap and there's nothing to do to make me feel better beside resting. I missed the chance to go to LA and meet Jodie. I'm just sad and tired and feeling it. I don't want to feel it. I don't feel like writing. I don't want to talk. All I want to do is sleep and cry. Or cry and sleep. That would be good. Crying myself to sleep.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Not JUST a babysitter
Today I picked up the boys from early start school. There was a mix up and only the transportation people knew I was coming and they teachers were clueless. So I showed ID and asked them to look in the records or to call the Mama or the Daddy and they would tell them who I am. It was the first time picking them up, I get the problems. No big deal
But this one teacher pissed me off. Actually, I was more than just a little butt hurt over her comment. "She's picking them up? She's just the babysitter." And I corrected her "The Nanny" so she answers "whatever".
Bitch, I am way more than JUST a babysitter.
A babysitter is a 15 year old that you underpay to watch your kids so you can go out to dinner. A day care worker is someone who watches as many children as they can to make as much money as they can. A Nanny is someone who commits to loving and caring for the child/children in their charge.
I was asked to Nanny Cade and Jack before their parents started trying to have children. They wanted to make sure their kid/kids were going to be in a loving environment w/ someone who would love them as if they were their own.
I couldn't love these boys any more if they were mine. I have dashed to the MaMa's side to help her when it got tough. I have spent entire days just holding one w/ a 103 fever. I have been pooped on, puked on, peed on and bled on. I hurt more when they fall when than they do. I would rip my own heart out to save theirs.
BITCH, I AM NOT JUST A BABYSITTER!
I may be tattooed and pierced and wear a "I run w/ Vampires" Tshirt, but I am Cade and Jack's Nanny, and I can kick your ass. Next time, I will come at you sideways and put you in your place.
But this one teacher pissed me off. Actually, I was more than just a little butt hurt over her comment. "She's picking them up? She's just the babysitter." And I corrected her "The Nanny" so she answers "whatever".
Bitch, I am way more than JUST a babysitter.
A babysitter is a 15 year old that you underpay to watch your kids so you can go out to dinner. A day care worker is someone who watches as many children as they can to make as much money as they can. A Nanny is someone who commits to loving and caring for the child/children in their charge.
I was asked to Nanny Cade and Jack before their parents started trying to have children. They wanted to make sure their kid/kids were going to be in a loving environment w/ someone who would love them as if they were their own.
I couldn't love these boys any more if they were mine. I have dashed to the MaMa's side to help her when it got tough. I have spent entire days just holding one w/ a 103 fever. I have been pooped on, puked on, peed on and bled on. I hurt more when they fall when than they do. I would rip my own heart out to save theirs.
BITCH, I AM NOT JUST A BABYSITTER!
I may be tattooed and pierced and wear a "I run w/ Vampires" Tshirt, but I am Cade and Jack's Nanny, and I can kick your ass. Next time, I will come at you sideways and put you in your place.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Not Crabby
Shocking as it may be....I'm not crabby today. It feels kinda good. Boys are being great, taking a nap. I got to see Rob and J last night. I'm going to #concon. Things in general have been good. The meds are working well and I'm pretty stable. I still want to hybernate and sleep a lot, but it's not as bad as it was.
People have still been giving me shit about not going out and being all old but basically I've just let it go and told them to go fuck themselves. I like my quiet, anonymous life. I like coming home and vegging out on my shows or on twitter or youtube.
I spent too many years chasing highs and trying to live 8 lives at once, I did that for 20 years and I was never truly happy living that way. I don't feel the need to go out til all hours every night anymore or pretend to be something I'm not. I like being a homebody. And I am tired of apologizing for it.
One thing I really miss of those days though is the motivation and creativity I had. I know it was artificial and cost a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I miss it. I wish I could just sit and do my art w/out the drugs. I miss being that creative and loving it. And to be honest, I miss the energy. But I don't miss not sleeping and all the other bullshit that went along w/ it.
Right now I'm trying to get back to art for Christmas. I have a few projects, and ALL the supplies.....I just don't have the desire to sit and do it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I just can't make myself do it because w/out the drugs, I don't enjoy it. And to me, that is very sad. It's feels like I've lost a part of myself, the artist in me. I keep thinking that it will come back, but it's been so many years.
So for now, I'm just working on writing and hoping that by being productive that I'll find some kind of motivation to try to be creative other ways too.
So that's where I am.
People have still been giving me shit about not going out and being all old but basically I've just let it go and told them to go fuck themselves. I like my quiet, anonymous life. I like coming home and vegging out on my shows or on twitter or youtube.
I spent too many years chasing highs and trying to live 8 lives at once, I did that for 20 years and I was never truly happy living that way. I don't feel the need to go out til all hours every night anymore or pretend to be something I'm not. I like being a homebody. And I am tired of apologizing for it.
One thing I really miss of those days though is the motivation and creativity I had. I know it was artificial and cost a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I miss it. I wish I could just sit and do my art w/out the drugs. I miss being that creative and loving it. And to be honest, I miss the energy. But I don't miss not sleeping and all the other bullshit that went along w/ it.
Right now I'm trying to get back to art for Christmas. I have a few projects, and ALL the supplies.....I just don't have the desire to sit and do it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I just can't make myself do it because w/out the drugs, I don't enjoy it. And to me, that is very sad. It's feels like I've lost a part of myself, the artist in me. I keep thinking that it will come back, but it's been so many years.
So for now, I'm just working on writing and hoping that by being productive that I'll find some kind of motivation to try to be creative other ways too.
So that's where I am.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tired of explaining myself
I'm slightly cranky today. I am getting so tired of explain myself to people. Right now I am battle a pretty rough bout of depression. It's taken a ton of therapy, a few more meds than I am happy taking and a lot of me time. But with all that, I am finally coming back to me.
I am sorry if my solitude is being perceived as antisocial behavior. It's not. It's me, being me, not apologizing to be me.
I am enjoying my solitude. I like to share a little bit here and there but I'm doing quite well on me own for how. SO STOP GETTING ALL BUTT HURT when I say I wasn't to be left alone or don't want to be around people.It just means I need some me time. So back off a bit.
Thank you.
I am sorry if my solitude is being perceived as antisocial behavior. It's not. It's me, being me, not apologizing to be me.
I am enjoying my solitude. I like to share a little bit here and there but I'm doing quite well on me own for how. SO STOP GETTING ALL BUTT HURT when I say I wasn't to be left alone or don't want to be around people.It just means I need some me time. So back off a bit.
Thank you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Leverage Quote Quiz
Hey there Leverage fans!
Here is the basic run down of how the LQQ is going to work....
I will be asking 40 or so questions about our beloved show. First person to post the correct answer gets 5 points, second will get 3 and third will get 1.(there will be a special point counter). At the end of the round, the person w/ the highest score, wins a shirt. In the case of a tie, we will have a 4 part question (all 4 parts listed below) and the first of the tied players to answer all 4 parts correctly wins.
There will be 3 kinds of questions asked:
1. Finish the quote.
2. Who said the quote to whom.
3. What episode is the quote from.
The questions will be chosen at random but expect about 8-10 of each type. I will announce which episodes the quotes will be from on Wednesdays.
And of course, there are some rules.......
I am NOT part of Leverage, I just love the show. I own nothing. I don't pretend to own anything. This is just for fun and to kill time til #concon.
YOU MUST ADD @leverage_quiz to play the game.
There is no abusive behavior to other players
The Tshirt will be a hand made custom shirt.
Duh, Time. Might help if you knew what time it started.
I'm very sorry to the Eastern Time people. I have a job and I am unable to hold the quiz any earlier than 7:30pm Pacific time. If that changes, I will be happy to move the time up to help accommodate eastern people. I am sorry about the lateness.
I think that's about it for tonight. My brain is a little too fried to say anything else productive. Hope to see you on Friday!
Anyone wishing to volunteer may contact me at @alikitty619 or @leverage_quiz on twitter. Any questions? See above.
Here is the basic run down of how the LQQ is going to work....
I will be asking 40 or so questions about our beloved show. First person to post the correct answer gets 5 points, second will get 3 and third will get 1.(there will be a special point counter). At the end of the round, the person w/ the highest score, wins a shirt. In the case of a tie, we will have a 4 part question (all 4 parts listed below) and the first of the tied players to answer all 4 parts correctly wins.
There will be 3 kinds of questions asked:
1. Finish the quote.
2. Who said the quote to whom.
3. What episode is the quote from.
The questions will be chosen at random but expect about 8-10 of each type. I will announce which episodes the quotes will be from on Wednesdays.
And of course, there are some rules.......
I am NOT part of Leverage, I just love the show. I own nothing. I don't pretend to own anything. This is just for fun and to kill time til #concon.
YOU MUST ADD @leverage_quiz to play the game.
There is no abusive behavior to other players
The Tshirt will be a hand made custom shirt.
Duh, Time. Might help if you knew what time it started.
I'm very sorry to the Eastern Time people. I have a job and I am unable to hold the quiz any earlier than 7:30pm Pacific time. If that changes, I will be happy to move the time up to help accommodate eastern people. I am sorry about the lateness.
I think that's about it for tonight. My brain is a little too fried to say anything else productive. Hope to see you on Friday!
Anyone wishing to volunteer may contact me at @alikitty619 or @leverage_quiz on twitter. Any questions? See above.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Beautiful Wisdom. Life lessons by Regina Brett.
It has been a rough couple of days. I've felt angry, hurt, suicidal, homocidal, and shattered. It feels like I was broken into hundreds of pieces and only a few are put back in the right place. Now I'm just tired. Physically and emotionally drained. I have nothing left to give tonight. So here is something my sister sent me. It's awesome.
Life Lessons
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Life Lessons
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sad today
I'm sad today. I know it's just the depression. I'm waiting for the meds to take full effect and I gotta tell ya, I am not a patient person. I'm an addict. I want to feel better and I want it right fucking NOW!
It's been a bad day for impulsive thoughts too. I haven't done anything stupid but it's hard to hold back. The urge is there and it doesn't help that I hate to see my arms. I see all these big veins and I just want to cut them out. I hate them. I want to feel that pain. I just want to feel.
It's not so bad when I'm w/ the boys, which is why I can sit here and write about it. They are the joy in my life. But once they are gone for the day, it's back to my head.
And I can't cry.....I want to, but I can't.
So that's it. I'm not hurting myself. I'm reaching out. I'm asking for help. I'm trying to be patient while the meds do their thing. I'm here.....and today, I'm sad.
It's been a bad day for impulsive thoughts too. I haven't done anything stupid but it's hard to hold back. The urge is there and it doesn't help that I hate to see my arms. I see all these big veins and I just want to cut them out. I hate them. I want to feel that pain. I just want to feel.
It's not so bad when I'm w/ the boys, which is why I can sit here and write about it. They are the joy in my life. But once they are gone for the day, it's back to my head.
And I can't cry.....I want to, but I can't.
So that's it. I'm not hurting myself. I'm reaching out. I'm asking for help. I'm trying to be patient while the meds do their thing. I'm here.....and today, I'm sad.
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